My mental hamster died. Please try again when another one spawns.

KAY! since someone wanted an update on the old blogy here it is, (even if the one requesting it already knew all this crap) KAYYYY! one of these past days i went to go see sky high with trevor, and being colorado, it was all rainy like and gloomy weather, we got to the theatre early consitering when the movie was going to start, and well we sat in an empty theatre for a long awhile and found... the people at the mills suddenly SUCK as labeling the theatres, we went into what seemed to be sky high showing at 7:15 left that theatre because stealth was showing, and by the time we left that theatre to find another sky high it was 7:49, but we did get to watch it which is the important thing, and it was pretty good, we went out the random exit door that almost no one seems to use and i called my mom after getting hug tackled by trevor, it was around i think 9:30 when i called her, so we wandered over to jillians (first spelled that killians... i like it like that) and sat down on the benches, some annoying as hell kids were about and two of them carried one of the benches across the street onto the random circle of pavement with a horse in the middle, the other ones called out to them saying that that was their bench... then being all the idiots they are, they pulled the other bench into the middle of the street, all of them left before the security guards could pwn them... i wanted to see that, ah well anyways, trevor and i sat, and apparently i didnt look so happy *shrug* i guess i really wasnt but anyways, security guards came and moved the benches back when mom came, and she drove trevor home, and i tried to give him a hug before he got out of the car but apparently my seatbelt argued against that, i got pwned by mom on the way home and when i got home i took about an hour bath then went to bed... kinda... i ended up writting a note instead, next day, get up and its like.. noon i think, end up calling trevor only to mock him because he had just had a root canal and was still drugged up, and sorry i mocked... anyways later cassie said jokingly that if trevor wanted some popcorn he could come over, well i thought it was worth a shot, turned out he could, so i tried getting cassie to pick him up, but alas, she said if she did she wanted something in return, and im already in debt to her enough as it is, so i asked mom, but tiny little thing, i forgot to ask if it was alright if trevor could even come over, mom was fine and we went to pick him up, came home... and did basically nothing but watch tv and eat until his mom came and picked him up at like 9:03, and... yesterday... i... cant... really remember if that was it or not... or if i just wasted away another day... bleh ah well today, woke up at like 7:30 and sleepily got packed and everything... then went to moms appointment with her then up the mountain we went... mom noticed on the way that registration *gag* is tomorrow, and we couldnt figure out what times, so we had no idea if i could stay here or not, finall found out from laurel.. and most of today i wasted away, curling up in my uncle larrys recliner... like i have in past years and do to alot of chairs, where i used one of the arm rests as a pillow for my head and lay side ways curls up in a ball, but i am getting a bit to big for that in uncle larrys chair... most of the time i have my legs over the other arm rest or hanging out so they barely touch the floor and i have to make an effort if i want to rock back and forth... for some reason i find it very soothing to rock back and forth in a chair, or just curling up in a ball and doing that on the floor or something, but most of the time people think somethings wrong then so i try not to do it when around people, well i tried to watch tv and such but either mom was vacuuming or danny (aka fruitcake) was singing, hes not that bad but i dont like the blues that much and thats what he was singing, he said i could sing too if i wanted to and i told him chances are i didnt know any of the songs, and ive been getting kinda irritated with riley, because he keeps biting my foster dog when fosto does nothing to him, like today foster was laying on the couch to get away from riley and i layed down with him just cause i love him, well riled comes over and tries nipping at foster so i tried to distract him with a plastic bottle, soon foster thought i was paying nore attention to riley than him and got up off the couch and left... so i stopped playing with riley and curled back up on the recliner, i did that for a few more hours then mom desided to go home, so she left and i killed time till i thought trevor might be online, when i did get online he wasnt on but kyle was, so i talked to him, and talked to sarah (yay she was talking to me again, just like old times ^_^) then dinner came and i went downstairs and ate, then came back to the computer and still found trevor not on, got my cell phone out and debated on calling him or not... debated on calling jared... put the cell phone in my lap and just when i was about to pick it up again to call trevor, it vibrates and trevors picture come up on the screen, i talked to hime for a bit, then called him on my aunts phone, then jared called my cell phone and i talked to him and got him to get a three way with trevor, then jared said he should go and such, said our goodbyes, trevor hung up and i was about to also but i heard jared still talking, so i listened, then i dont know... kinda got rude and told him to stop procrastinating on work, so he hung up on me.. and i called trevor, while my thoughts got the better off me,after awhile he accidently hung up on me, i contemplated about calling him back or not... decided not to then he came online and started talking to me, still my thoughts were getting worse and worse, finally i ended up telling trevor all the stuff that could happen, all of the stuff might happen, just because im in this mood... where i expect the worst from everything and everyone, i tried not to tell it all because ive done that before and only ended up feeling guilty when the person i told finally gave up and me and labeled me hopeless, i feel guilty i broke their spirit, that i dragged them down into my pit of dispair, i aplogize and try to get everything normal once more, i act happy as if i had not a doubt in the world, and do stupid things to get their hopes back up, i hate it when im in moods like this, i hate people worrying about me when they could be thinking of more important things than how im doing, i hate having to put up an act so i do not distrub their peace of mind, i hate that people even care about me, yet at the same time i want them to care, i live for them worrying, i seem to get a rush from being like this and wallowing in self pity thenfeeling awful for showing it to anyone and making them think im not alright, when they are correct... im not alright, im not really sure if im ever alright... and most of the time i lie when people ask how i am, or i say sucky and nothing more to let them wonder about wht it could be which certainly has to be better than what is really wrong, but most of the time i say im fine, im good, im anything other than miserable and wanting to cause myself pain, just so they wont try to pry, so they wont try to dig under my surface to find the real me, curled up in a ball crying or despretly searching for something to make me feel again, which is also when i get into the habits of scratching the skin off my fingers, scratching deep enough to let out alittle blood, oddly enough only about three people grab my hands so ill stop, the three being trevor leah and laurel... i remember one morning before school leah noticed i was doing that, so she grabbed my hands to make me stop, i despretly wiggled my fingers out enough just so i could scratch harder and bleed, laurel then notived and grabbed the finger i had been digging at, which stung a little and i calmed down, and stopped trying to get away, then the bell rang and laurel opened her hand to find my blood on her palm, i looked at my thumb and saw that it was bleeding, and figured it was my struggling that finished it, laurel aplogized and i said it was fine.. because it was... that was my intention the whole time was to get myself to bleed, and it was accomplished, i was more or less calm then... but i still picked at my thumb trying to make it bleed more, and leah smacked my hand and held my thumb away from my other fingers so i couldnt preceed, and leah smacked and held my hand through most of second tri in science class so i couldnt make myself bleed, and trevor does about the same thing now, but with leah it was easier to hide, trevor notices more quickly and tells me to stop, and i do momentarly until i think hes not paying attention, most of the time i find im wrong, i guess i am starting to learn not to... every time i noticed ive started i end up thinking of them and how they keep trying to make me stop, and i try to stop because i know they probably know whats better for me than what i think is good for me, i used to do think all without thinking, you should have seen my fingers then, both sides of the nail would be scratched off until it stung too much or it bled, now ive gotten back into the habit of scratching where most of the nerves are... and i dont do it to make it bleed... but it kinda stings, kinda like home some people snap rubberbands on their wrists, i do this, but i usually end up making an air pocket and it stings whenever i try touching something, plus people dont notice me doing this as much and it doesnt leave much of a mark, anyways... sometimes i just hate that people care so much for me... that theyd waste their time on me when there are SO many other people who would be worth their while, so many people who could make them happier than me and they wouldnt have to worry as much on them as they end up doign with me, but when someone offers to try to stop caring or i think of then not caring... i feel guilty for being so selfish and thinnnk i wouldnt do too well if they did stop caring about me, id probably be more distructive to get them to care... to get them to pity me again... really... im just one really big hypicrite, and i hate it... i just wish some people could have better than me... even though they say they dont want better or there isnt better... there is... and they deserve it, they deserve it much much more than i deserve them... sometimes i feel like.. taking a bullet to the head... just so they all could move on, so they could forget about me... but chnces are theyd mourn for me... so i wish i had a time machine... so i could go back before they met me and replace myself with someone better that they deserve, ... man... its just like... some people are wasting time... like... blaming themseves for when im in this mood, thinking that its their fault when really its all mine... i feel so sorry for them... and hating myself for ever making them feel like it was their fault... and... all of them trying to make me feel better by prmoising me that theyll always be with me... i know they cant do it... and many of them have broken their promise by some outside force... like moving... me switching schools and them not returning my calls... and now im crying.. i just know im going to end up leaving them or theyre going to leave me, and their promises can do nothing about it, some even try... then loose heart and give in... that theyre drifting away from me... and i warn them! i warn them so much not to make promises they cant keep! i dont think that theyll try to break it but somethingelse will and no one can help us... nothing can keep us together! and i just feel... like theyre wasting their time... making emtpy promises im almost certain deep in their mind they know they cant keep, but for the time being they only want me to feel better, for me to feel securce... IVE FELT LIKE TTHAT BEFORE! only to have my security snatched away from me and leaving me alone... crying... its just a giant circle.. no escaping it... which is why i try to expect things like this to happen, so i wont feel so naive when my safe state of mind is ripped away from me again and again, so i can say i knew it was going to happen, so i wont feel so helpless... but when i try to tell people of it... they make more promises they cant keep... and i know theyd try their hardest just to let me slip back into being secure... so i wouldnt worry so much... but the plan deminishes... and im almost positive everyones will... i cant let myself go back to being naive...i dont want to hurt anymore.. well... ive probably just made you all worry more... so for that im sorry
anyways... happier note... i was talking to fuji and hes making a plan... and wont tell me what it is, but it grew off the idea we thought of of me being invisible to other people, just invisible angie, sure somepoeple might know im there but they dont think much more of me than that girl, and fuji said he might ask me for a request soon, but he wouldnt tell me his plan, so im left in the dark anyways... i should have been in bed an hour ago... and the intention of this entry... well was not to vent... but seeing as i spent hours doing so... well two to be exact... i really should sleep, registration... bleh... and mommys birthday saturday... night night everyone.. or morning