Soooo...

Suddenly all those break up lines make sense. I broke up with Speedy today. And it's true, I used one of those old lines that everyone knows by heart. I really am not ready for a relationship right now. I don't know when I will be ready, but it doesn't really matter. But. Atleast I told him in person. Unlike some people.. *cough* I got up the courage and told him that I'm not ready for a relationship in person during lunch. I was pretty scared I was going to lose another friend. I was afriad that he'd be really upset. But he ended up taking it very well. Of course I had to repeat myself because he didn't understand the first time I said it. It just makes it that much harder when you have to repeat it and hear yourself say it all over again. I told him at the beginning of lunch, although I took a couple minutes and some deep breaths to say it. He said he understood, and that it wasn't the first time he had heard that line. I assured him I was being truthful, and it wasn't some claim to get rid of him. He said he wasn't happy with it, but he wasn't depressed, but he wasn't not sad. He mumbled something to the effect that I might have to worry about him. I made him promise not to hurt himself in any way. There was a bit of awkward silence, or atleast it was awkward for me. Then Chelsie dragged us to the Cubby. Speedy lived up to his name, and I had to quicken my steps and take bigger steps to keep up. When we got there, Misa stormed out. Speedy went to see what was wrong with her and I didn't see him for the rest of lunch. I thought maybe he had gone off to deal with stuff in his own way. I guess I was right, Fuji asked me what was wrong with him because he was walking all over the commons really fast. When lunch ended I walked quickly to my locker. It seems he followed me, which was an action I really didn't expect. While waiting for John (the kid who has the locker below me) and his girlfriend to move so I could get to my locker. More awkward silence in the waiting time. Seconds felt more like hours. Speedy didn't look too happy, not like I expected him to look happy though. I gave him a hug, and I think we're okay. He hugged me back and walked me to English. I gave him another hug before I left him. I don't think he was expecting either hug. I seemed to had stopped him right before he was about to rush off. Hour and a half of English. After English he was waiting outside my classroom. Another action I didn't expect. I gave him another hug. (Man, Am I full of hugs or what?) And he asked if I could give him a ride to KingSoopers and to his own home. I said sure, and we walked to my locker. We talked but I don't remember what we talked about. I was still in shock he was still willing to wait for me to get out of class, let alone talk to me. Mom was happy to give him a ride because we needed to pick up some stuff from the store anyways. When we got into KingSoopers, I gave him yet another hug before he scampered off. He squeezed me tightly and whispered that he still loved me. I had no idea how to reply to that. All I could think of doing was hugging him tighter. I had to say "Okay.." before he let go and ran off.
I can't help feeling bad. But he'll realize how good he is and find someone oh so much better than me. But I know I wasn't making him feel loved enough. Straight from him, in nicer words. I pestered him until he told me what faults he found in me. All which simply meant I didn't show my love enough. Didn't show that I cared enough. Sound familar? Its one of the reasons Trevor dumped me. I didn't want to hurt Speedy with that. Contridictive, I know. Dumping someone not to hurt them. Sound familar? Its what Trevor said to me. The excuses make more sense now. But there's a lot of differences. Such as, it seems Speedy cares more about not losing me. etc.
So, I'm single again. By choice. And I'll be staying that way until I sort out my mind. Which'll probably take a lot more time than it seems it would.