the sweetest fruit is always out of reach

wow.... i really... just want to talk to someone... anyone right now, anyone that will just listen... i want to rant and have someone and have them talk rationality to my mind, tell me im wrong or right, that they agree, i want someone here right now to look me straight in the eye as i pour my heart and soul out to them, and when im finished not to just get off into another subject just to shut me up, i want someone here right now to let my cry on their shoulder, sure... having inatimate friends can let you vent... but they cant tell you what THEY think because they dont think, and if they do to me its just MY opinion, i dont want to be able to PREDICT what people are going to say to me, i know right now i want alot, but if you think about it its really simple, i want someone to talk to me, with me whatever... and not any of this internet crap, i want them to hear the fear in my voice right now, let them know im serious, i want to hear their voice and know they arent just feeding me lines from someone else... but by now... its too late for any of that... mom and dad are sleeping... its too late to call anyone at all without getting them in trouble... why is it when i want something so simple... its such an inconvinence for everyone else? i know about every other time anyone asks me whats on my mind i say nothing, because i dont want to talk or i honestly have nothing, but now i have nothing... but i WANT to talk... i WANT to rant and i WANT to be HEARD, and for those who take time to hear me i want them to THINK about what i said to actually think about it... not just shove it in the back of their mind... and i want to hear THEIR veiw.... and about by now im crying.... i really dont know what happened... i was fine a bit ago and now i really really just want someone to be here with me... and all in all if i cant talk... even if i want to so much... but i just cant find the words to say anything.... i want someone to hug me... tell me its ok... whipe my tears and hold me... but i cant have that right now... and it makes me so mad, i know some people who wish to be here to listen to me whenever i want things like this... but... theyre not there... i cant do anything about it... theyre all probably sleeping... or too busy anyways... and now... as i think about this i seem really selfish dont i... but ive been there for everyone else... ive tried my hardest to be availble to everyone at any given time so if they need me im there... so they wont have to be like THIS like I am right now.... so pathetic... i guess i should probably know why i can get annoying to people... is being like this... like i am right now... so pathetic and needy... but... i guess i cant help it... we all have needs and wants... some can even be both... i guess i dont really need any of the above... i just want it so much... so much at this very moment that it hurts... and it hurts so bad that im crying... feels alot like... right now... if i were to suddenly like... start cutting again or go out and be hit by a truck... that no one would care... and then... i get mad at myself... because i know that isnt true.... I KNOW people care for me, and i KNOW they want me around... which makes me feel worse for even feeling that they wouldnt care in the first place... but... i guess im done... and shaking from crying has gotten weaker... so im guessing im crying less... and getting better... what doesnt kill you makes you stronger right? well... im done... now... its almost time for bed anyways... and i guess you all can thank bryson for actually talking to me about this... sadly only on the internet... but he still made me feel alittle better...