Sometimes I just hate myself

everyone has regrets right? forget about them? well... i guess i cant, i have lots of guilt. i feel horrible just thinking about them, how horrible i act towards some people before i know them, makes me no better than the ones i hate (such as jessica, ellie knows why) take...jared for example, the first year he moved to colorado he went to hutchinson, i had nothing against him personally, but for some reason my friends hated him, i sided with them so i wouldnt be exiled, i feel horrible for not just reaching out and making friends with him, i found out last year when i got to be friends wih him that that year was horrible for him, and i feel terrible for not helping when i know i could have.
i regret not talking to jesus more when he sat infront of me in science, i remember him trying to start some conversations but i didnt say much
i regret ever telling my sister about fuji
i regret not trying harder to be more outgoing and making more friends in middle school along with this year
i regret not staying in touch with my friends
i regret not doing my homework
i regret kicking joe til he bled
i regret alot more things... but right now i think ill just try to forget about like for just alittle while

-|- about 11 hours later -|-
so... i had a weird dream, yet again, if they were normal i think id go insane, not that im not already... anyways, so the dream: i was at school, in science class, we had a sub and we were doing madlibs, trevor who had been in the previous class period refused to leave when the sub asked, i ended up standing because he was in my seat, kelly started a madlib and made me write in the words anyways, when trevor started putting in words we got lost because he did it all at once and we couldnt write that fast, the sub finally told us to just play outside, i walked behind the class, and when we got outside i found laura and dan, they told me they were entering a kissing contest in the auditorium, for some reason we all had glasses and took them off and set them down right there, because i had no one to enter the kissing contest with i went to put back on my glasses but they were gone, there was this kid by the ramp we had been sitting on and i saw my and lauras glasses in his hands, along with some playing cards, i took them out of his hands and said they were mine, he said he was sorry but he thought they were lost and needed to be returned, i gave him an odd look and ran off to catch up with laura and dan, we walked to the auditorim together, some guy gave them a scantron sheet, and freaked out when he saw me, i sit in the auditorium with them, and started wondering why i was there if i had no one to kiss, laura suggested to just find some random person and enter with them, because who knows they could be my perfect match, i thought that was just stupid and started to get up when some guy in the row infront of me pounced on me and kissed me, i pushed him off and asked what the hell he was doing then i woke up to the phone ringing
the other night i had another dream about school: i was at home, getting ready for school, i didnt have enough time and just slipped on some clothes, when i got to school i couldnt open my locker because they make every locker have three sets of combinations, after awhile i decided to go to class without my books

i think... today im going to spend at home.. or something... maybe ill do something with amber.. but i feel like ive been annoying the friends ive been calling just about everyday so see if they want to hang out..