I really don't know my friends do I?

this past year, freshmen year, has been... suprizing to say the least
i realized how innocent i really am, i found out just how many of my friends are into drugs, the number took my breath away, and not in a good way.. the real shock was at ashleys birthday party.. i was the only one not getting stoned... two of my friends who had never done it before decided to jump in and try anyways... i gave in and downed some alcohol, i felt nothing but the horrid taste, they all thought i got clambaked because i kept giggling when one of the girls kept asking where her sock was, i got mad at them when they all decided to get stoned within minutes of my mom picking us up to go to the mall, leaving me in the hall alone, i refused to speak to any of them for atleast 2 weeks, now i come to find that another one of my friends smokes... and drinks.. i worry about them all so much, it takes all i have not to cry, and what good thats doing, i can barely see the keyboard through my tears... which seem to be mixing themselves with blood...
in other news, im having the same old thoughts of my friends leaving me out, whether it ntentional or not... everyone is so busy now, and i have nothing to do, the few people who also have nothing to do, well i feel bad calling them every other day or so to ask if they want to hang out, im not all that pleasent to begin with, sometimes i think it might be because of the whole ordeal with trevor, they all seemed to be better friends with trevor than me, known him longer, better, things like that, and when they want to hang out with him it is most definite ill be left out, sometimes i think i should just give up trying to be their friends because theyll all seem to step around me causiously because of trevor, all except for jared, he seems to be the only one not afriad to mention trevor around me
also, i fear i screw up everyones life, like... im not a good influence... all my friends i have grown apart from seem to have now great friends, better opertunities, and a better life than ever before, i think i should just isolate myself from the world, or kill myself, then everyone can have happy lives
on a totally lighter note: happy birthday to jesus, i think ill buy him plastic dinosaurs for his birthday, just because i can