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So today was..
Have you ever noticed that when I start posts like that they seem to be really happy or really depressing? I guess this is going to be a little bit of both.
Who knew someone could PMS this long and not stab someone? But believe me, I've almost done it.
I was all EMO beyond reason today. In the morning I got all ticked off at Sasha because I never see her and she'd rather look at pictures then spend any time with me. After that moment, I didn't wany anyone touching me. All hugs I ducked away from, and every time someone tried to touch my arms I'd cower away like an abused child. But you know what. I do feel abused. Or atleast used. I'm so sick and tired of getting close to all these people only to have them leave me. Oh, but that's alright. It's just Angie. It's okay to discard her. She'll get over it. I'm so tired of this. I hate being the one that's oh so easy to just walk away from. I'm sick and tire of being a doormat. The worst thing? I know I won't end up doing anything about this. You know why? I'm afriad of more people leaving me. When everyone realizes I won't be there all the time just in case, they'll find someone new. Someone better. What's this? Emo mindset again.
Anyways. I wouldn't let people touch me. For probably an hour I didn't speak a word to anyone. The first person I started talking to was Marty. I don't know why. Marty just seems like no threat to me. When he couldn't come over to paint he felt so bad about it. Maybe he's just in the same boat I am. The first words were about the yearbook he brought to school. My eigth grade yearbook and he's seventh grade yearbook. "We did STUFF" How lame of a cover is that? I think he was one of the very few kids who didnt decorate the cover in attempt to make it less Lame. First everyone else was looking through it, Marty invited me into the circle. They found a picture of Laura. After they had had this long conversation which almost made me cry about all the people leaving, they get o a picture of Laura. I almost started crying again. Marty, Misa, and Allison left. Bryan was meditating and I looked through the yearbook by myself. Flipping over the pages and thinking about how much all of my friends had change. I shouldn't have picked up that yearbook. I came to the picture of Laura again. I stared at the picture for what seemed like hours. Flashbacks. I started shaking and I knew what was coming. Curse my easy ability to cry. Johnny and Ariel commented on my shaking. I threw the book down and put my head on my knees trying to hide the fact that I was indeed crying. After awhile Bryan obviously took notice and held me. First person I let touch me without moving away. When I stopped shaking so much, he suggested we go on a walk and I could tell him what was troubling me. I was reluctant but went anyways. I had to clean my glasses and wiped off the remainder of the make-up that had been there since the previous morning. It turned my sweater sleeve blue. I told him what was wrong in the fewest words possible. "I really hate that everyone is moving." As soon as we walked into the commons I saw Becca and bolted. I ran outside, kinda tripped and collasped on the ground. On my way down I skinned part of my hand on the brick wall. To my surprize Bryan wasn't far behind. I crie somemore and I heard someone else run up and ask me what was wrong. I didn't look up, but I tried matching the voice with a face. I couldn't do it. When I finally stopped crying (again, god, I'm such a cry baby.) I looked up and saw Joe. Now I thought Joe had stopped really caring about what was wrong with my awhile ago. I didn't tell him what was wrong though. Bryan suggested going back inside. Again, I was reluctant, but I eventually got up. Stumbled over myself getting to the doors, but I still followed. We went to the Bagel Corner, and Joe stayed until he had to go to class. Bryan ditched. Tried to help me,but when I'm in that mood it's kinda useless. I can turn just about whatever anyone says to me into something negitive. It's almost like some twisted talent I don't even want. Kelsey got suspended for some stupid reason. Bryan convinced me to walk up to the hill where he ditched me. Ashley was there... I haven't seen Ashley for quite awhile. She just reminded me of Laura though. She also made me realize my mood has really gone down since freshman year. Since Laura left. She tried to cheer me up, and got a bit farther than Bryan did. I got cold and went inside. Only to go back outside with Anthony. We went back inside and went into jewlery class. I let Marty hug me, Jacqi, Anthony, James, and Ashley too. Marty went back out with me into the commons and he put shapie on my nails. Kara came over and we talked to her. Speedy came and hugged me. Then 4th period through the rest of the day is a pretty big blur. Maybe I'll blog about it later. but right now I'm really tired and I have to go to Access tomorrow.
So. Stupid me, you know. Writes all this personal stuff and feelings about people thinking "Hey, it's okay, they'll never read it." *smacks own head* So Charlie read all those posts about himself, and if I'm real unlucky he'll end up reading this one too.