Update.(s)

I'm allowed 3 hours per week with friends. Had to start somewhere right? Sadly 3 hours is still not enough for me.

I really just want a hug right now. Things have been kinda weird. James is not moving anymore, and neither is Anthony. Bekah is already gone and Sam is moving. I got pissed at Marty for dropping my camera although it was partly my fault too. Punched him. Later that day we talked again and everything was fine. Today I leapt into his arms repeatedly as if nothing had ever happened. Bryan. Well I don't know what's going on there. Rumors are is that he and Ariel might have given it another shot, but I'm not sure I believe that. He and I keep having these really random times of being close, then he doesn't trust me anymore. Then we get close again, then he pulls away. Not sure what to think. Things are just so much easier when I don't think about what will happen between him and I at all and just have fun with him. Cody pulled me away to ask me if Bryan liked me, and if I liked him. I paused for a moment then shrugged and said I didn't know. I think that confused him a lot that I didn't know if I liked him or not. I guess I do. But... It's hard to tell. Cody has been acting kinda weird around me. I keep getting the vibe he might have a crush on me. I really hope I'm wrong on that though. Kelsey and Marty break up repeatedly and it confuses the hell out of me. I'm kinda starting to think that Kelsey's more trouble than she's worth. She's my friend and all, but she needs to make up her mind. She keeps hurting Bryan and Marty. Bryan decided to start cutting. He didn't get far because of the pain. I told him what I tend to tell everyone. "As long as you do it. I'll do it too." Stupid thing to do. Yea I know. But if they care about me enough they stop. Or they start lying about it, which I already tried covering with Bryan. I hope he stops. Hell, I just hope he finds some happiness. Rayne got a girlfriend. One week and Rayne's already sick of her. And I still want my makeout session with Rayne. We're getting kicked out of the Cubby again because stupid people keep writing on the walls. Bryan has figured out where my sensitive spots are and uses them to his advantage, atleast when he can pin me down. Which isn't very often. I'm not quite sure how he feels about me, but I don't really want to ask. I miss all of my friends horribly. Being grounded sucks.

Challenge much?

Imma sneaky ninja. A sick sneaky ninja.
So still grounded. But I have phone privliges now. For how long I'm not sure.
People kinda tick me off sometimes. Namely: Bryan. I know people keep saying "He's not worth it" and such. But I think he is. I don't really care that he's hurt me a couple times. I don't even think about it anymore. I want him to be happy. I know I'm not the person to make him happy, but I still want to help him through his problems. I really do. I get so sick of people saying that they don't want to put more problems ontop of the ones I have. I don't care if I already have problems! I want to do everything in my power to try to help people. Bryan keeps telling me that no one can help him. Well sometimes it's just good to vent to people you know? And he doesn't trust me enough to vent to me. I know this. But I don't know why. It's not like I'm a threatening person to begin with. After someone tells me something I'm not going to run off to plot their downfall. No, I'm not like that. Just... Erg. I hate this. I hate how he changes the subject everytime I try to talk to him about what's bothering him. I hate how he can't tell me stuff. I hate being just like everyone else. I hate how he always thinks I hate him. I hate how much I care. I hate that I still like him. I hate how he thinks so lowly of himself. I hate how he says I should give up. I hate how he lies about being happy. I hate how upset I get over small things. I hate how he hates himself. I hate hate.


I had a dream last night. It kinda worries me. In the dream. There was this guy. He was the perfect guy. Everything I could ever want. He loved me. But I didn't love him. I just couldn't bring myself to love him back. Even after telling him I didn't love him he was calm about it. And said he still loved me. Nothing changed, he just still loved me. What if that does happen to me? Crap.

Then I had a totally random dream where I dry humped a girl. Just thought you'd all love to know that.

Grounded.

That's right. I won't be posting much. I'm grounded. Why? Because I got a stupid D in geometry last semester. So Mom woke me up this morning with disappointment. The bad thing about my parents is they're not experienced with grounding me. They were fine with grounding Cassie, but she also had worse grades than I do. When my parents ground me they tend to be very vague on my Can and Can't Do's. All they really made clear was No mall, and No friends. Okay. I can understand that. When I asked about other specifics they named off every other activity I could possibly do. No phone, no computer, no T.V., no going out, no IM, no text, no school events, which I don't think includes TAU, etc. Well. She said it kind of jokingly. So I'm not entirely sure what I'm suppose to do. I'm not entirely sure on when I get ungrounded or anything really. Mom said she'd check grades to see if I could do things on weekends, but then she said I was going to be bored until six week grades came out. So... What?
I don't know.

Shun the non-believer. Shhhhhhun. Shhhhhhhhhhh....huuuuunnn.

So. Bryan decided he didn't want a relationship.
Same night Bryan told me such, Kelsey and Marty broke up.
Next day, they're back together.
Bryan realizes he's in love with Kelsey.
Kelsey crushes his spirits.
I pick up some of the pieces.
I have mental breakdowns galore.
Call people at 3:00am because I was crying and needed some sense beat into me. Only person to answer: Lana. Her and Ariel A. cheered me up. Or atleast calmed me down.
I had another mental breakdown last night while I was on the phone with Bryan. He was just about asleep when I went into crying fits. He tried to cheer me up and refused to get off the phone until I fell asleep. I don't remember if my phone died before or after I fell asleep, but I woke up with it off.
Bryan says he knows the reasons for my meltdowns, but I'm not sure if he's right.
He knows I don't totally forgive him for hurting me all those times, even though I keep trying to.
I want a sandwich.




EDIT:
Oh and I forgot. Speedy's still mad at me apparently. Yippy.

Who's Razor is on the phone?

Finals day today. Ehhh. I woke up around 7:30, got ready and left for school around 8:00. Found none of my friends this morning, and went to American History to take my WW2 test. I've been seriously out of it all day, I walked in and told Ms. Starman that I was coming to take the WW3 test. Face-palm moment there. Rayne gave me Faygo. I took my test and left for the commons. Hung out with Meg, Sasha, and Allison. Meg was ticking me off. We got kicked out of the corner again. I hate sitting at the tables in the commons because it hurts my back, but they dont let us sit on the floor anywhere anymore. Speedy gave me hugs. So I guess he's not mad at me. Went back to American History for my AMhistory final. I think I bombed them both. After the test I draw happy pictures to prove to Bryan that I can draw happy stuff. Misa helped. Went to photography. Food-critique today. Julianna and I were volenteered to go to the teachers lounge to heat up food. On the way back Caitlin got to me and hugged me. She skipped photography and that made me sad. After that I went to find Caitlin. Found Bryan and Ariel. Gave Bryan happy drawings. Found Jacqi. Marty gave me Fable for Xbox to play. But if I can't beat it im going to be very sad. We found Caitlin, went to the hill for awhile. But on the way to the hill Josh and another kid were in a fight. Every time one of the security guards tried to get Josh to stop he yelled "Get off me" and shook them off. By the time we got there, the other kid's shirt was torn and hanging from his waist. One of the other security guards came and they held them apart and took them away to the office. We finished our mission to the hill. When we started walking to the bus stop, Bryan, Laurel, and Misa were walking infront of us. If I hadn't been so... Bleh, I probably would have fun to hug them all. Waited at the bus stop. Texted Bryan. Took bus till a couple blocks from Jacqi's house. Walked the rest of the way. Ran into some people that Caitlin knew. Something something Weed, something something, blazed, something something something else, Angie-pants, something something Pants? something something Bye. Walked the rest of the way to Jacqi's. Sat in silence for awhile. Jacqi went online. Caitlin and I layed on the couch. Watched some Charmed. Played some cards. Laughed till I cried. More couch. Erica came over. She brought the book I was reading in photography yesterday and is letting me borrow it. SLUT. That's what Erica called the book. Apparently its been lent out alot. Hugs. Thanks. Erica left. Looked at the drawing Bryan gave me. Took me awhile to figure out I was holding it upside-down. Sitting around. Dannica came over. More sitting around. Said bye to Caitlin. I had another face-palm moment. "Who's Razor is on the phone?" Caitlin left for a walk. Jacqi ate. I curled up on the couch. Jacqi said she was worried about me. Mmm. I hate when I worry people. Dannica came back after stooping and leaving. Mom came and picked me up. Went home. Ate. And here I am. Erg. Whatever.

Round three? FTW.

Round three of snow. Gosh. Freaking hell. Why?
I think the weather along with my parents hate me spending too much time with my friends.

News News News.
Bryan and I are okay again. And even flirting again and stuff. Not really awkward at all anymore except that I keep wondering if I'm annoying him.
Misa comes back from Florida today.
The laundry room is flooding again, so that means no showers for Angie. Gosh I feel dirty.
Ariel and Bryan tolerate eachother. Although Bryan still thinks Ariel hates him.
Speedy cancelled on hanging out with me today to get his project done. Gosh I hate this. Everytime I make plans with him something happens. I'm fed up with it and jusst about to give up. The only people who seem to really make an effort to hang out with me are Steven, Kelsey, and Bryan. Although that might stop soon since Misa's coming back. And I'm not saying I don't want to hang out with Misa or anything, but when she's with Steven she's normally not really in the mood for other people. She was kinda ticked that Steven was hanging out with all of her friends all the time when he didn't do that when Misa was here. So it made it seem like we liked Steven more. Although, you should seen us when we first just say Steven without Misa. We were pretty dissappointed.
I went to Kelsey's yesterday and well. Mom was pissed when I had to go home. She expected me to wait outside, and I thought she was going to call my phone when she got to Kelsey's. Well it turns out she didnt have her phone, and had to drive home to get it just to call me.
Misa heard about what happened during truth or dare with Kelsey, Steven, Bryan, me, and sometimes Marty and Ariel. She's none too happy and wants revenge. But I guess since I was the best she has no need to get revenge on me. Yay for not cuddling with her boyfriend =D I hope she's not too terribly mad at all of us..


Good song:

Don't poke the fucking bear!

So, yesterday was an odd day. I woke up around noon and watched V for Vendetta which I am borrowing from Ariel. Such an amazing movie.
After movie time, and the struggle with setting up my DVD player to watch said movie, I went online and called Ariel. Ariel and I decided to go over to Kelsey's house. I got directions to Ariels house, and we rushed out the door to pick up Ariel. On the way over to Kelsey's house we got into this weird conversation with how it'd just be awsome to be able to teleport. There would be no need for cars or roads and so that big cloud of pollution downtown wouldn't be there. Course there are the cons of teleporting in on someone at the wrong times. And what the hell would happen if you teleported to the same place as someone else at the same time? Ah well.
Kelsey's house we talked, and maybe it was a bad thing for us to get together. Being the three girls who seem to want to be the downfall of Bryan. But actually, I'm not even mad at him anymore. Yea okay, what he did wasn't the best and it did hurt, but it's okay. Well it turns out that Kelsey really did know too much about everything. Bryan was going to choose Ariel. Sadly, Kelsey was right, and Ariel was on the rebound and had no actual feelings for Bryan. We told me him after he said he was going to choose Ariel. He was already depressed and that just made things worse. He wasn't eatting and now he just wanted to die. Overly dramatic much? I spent hours trying to convince him to eat. He refused. We texted him and such while we were at Kelsey's. Steven texts me and says, "So I hear you guys are plotting against Bry... Can I help?" So we called him, course he was kidding about helping us plot, but he did actually help. We devised a plan to kiddnapp Bryan. Course the downfall of kiddnapping him is that it has to be okay with his parents. Steven went to go get him, but his parents forced him to watch them eat, then he could leave. Ftw? I don't know why they didn't just make him eat. They had to have noticed that he hasn't been eating for a couple days. So while were waiting for Bryan and Steven to come, we ate ravioli ^_^ Love that. Bryan and Steven came and we had some fun there, Bryan didn't seem too terribly bad. We did however attack Bryan and Steven with a disposable camera. Bryan hid it several times in his back pockets and such, but that didn't stop Kelsey and I for going for it. Kelsey and Ariel attacked Steven a lot. I stole the awsome chair, and after awhile, I realized Bryan hadn't been apart of anything for awhile. I look behind the chair and there he is. Sitting with his head down and his legs crossed. I poked him, and he did nothing. I pokes him a couple more times, still nothing. I tried talking to him. Nothing. I got out of the chair and sat nxt to him. I knew somethign was wrong and I kept asking him. The only question he responded to was "Are you mad at me?" He shook his head no. Everything else he didn't move. "Do you want me to leave you alone?" "Bryan, what's wrong?" "Come on Bryan, you can talk to me." I awkwardly hugged him because he was sitting in a corner. I unfolded his arms and legs and tried to push up his head. He didn't do anything. I layed my head on his shoulder and tried talking to him, maybe he'd only answer yes or no questions. So I asked him more of those. Nothing. He finally said something like "You can't help me". But I promised him I wasn't going to leave him, and I kept pestering the hell out of him for him to tell me. Ariel had to leave around 8, so I got up and hugged her but went right back to sitting next to Bryan. I tried to move him so I could hug him less awkwardly. That didn't work, he went limp and tried to slump totally forward. He ended up falling over and laying on the floor. So I layed down and got eye level with him again. I scratched his back to hopefully be some sort of comfort to him. When I tried to brush glitter out of his hair he moved my hand away. He told me that it was pointless to try to help him, and yet again I assured him I wasn't going to leave him. I kinda talked to Steven and Kelsey while on the floor with Bryan. Kelsey's mom turned on the lights and I looked down at Bryan. There were tears on his arm and his nose. I brushed the tears off and asked him what was wrong. He stared at the floor. I pestered some more and he turned his head away from me. I tried talking to him more and just sighed and layed by him. In the mist of Kelsey's mom yelling that we shouldn't have the light off, Bryan went into the bathroom to cry. Kelsey dragged him back and he stole the awsome chair. I sat next to the chair and tried talking to him more. He still didn't talk, and if he did all he said was I was wasting my time. I told him I didn't think I was, and still went on pestering him. Man I'm one stubborn girl. I tried sitting with me and he wouldn't let me. I got mad and went to knee him in the leg. I kneed the chair on accident, and started laughing saying that it hurt. I curled up on the floor for a couple minutes, and Bryan turned his back to me. I went to the other side of the chair and just sat there staring at him. He'd look ar me for a little bit then glance away, then look back, and glance away again. I sat there for atleast 15 minutes just staring at him. He told me to stop it but i didn't move. He turned his back on me again and I still didnt move. After alittle bit we had to leave, under orders of Kelsey's mom. Steven gave Bryan and I a ride home. He took Bryan home first, which didnt make sense to me because my house was on the way to Bryan's. I figured maybe Steven wanted to talk about the night with me. On the way to Bryan's I still just stared at him. It bugged him. He'd turn his head just enough to look back to see if I was still watching him, then turn his head quickly in the order direction. Steven and I talked about Bryan on the way over to my house, and we said our goodbyes. When I got into the house I went downstairs and called Bryan. That's just how persistant I was. I eventually got him to open up, then he hung up with me to call Ariel. She didn't answer. According to Kelsey, Ariel's glad to be rid of Bryan. Harsh. He called me back and I tried some more for pestering, then he hung up with me to call Kelsey. When he called me back he had a different attitude. It was weird. Instead of being all down about himself, he wouldn't stop telling me sorry. "I'm sorry" "For what?" "Hurting you. Doing what I did." "It's okay" "No, it's not" that's about the jist of the conversation. He wouldn't take "it's okay" for an answer. He kept saying that I should just hate him. He apologized for not opening up before. He apologized for being so mean when I was the only one trying to help. He told me I should just leave him out of my life because he's afriad of hurting me. All the time I kept telling him it's okay, and he wouldn't believe me. He says I deserve happiness, and I told him he did too. But he doesnt believe me. I don't know how to convince him nothing needs to be fixed.

In other news. Ducky is harassing Muffin and she scratched the hell out of my wrist when I picked her up away from him. Kinda hurts. If she would have been alittle bit to the left, she could have hit the major vein. Gosh she cuts deep.

What a Lame New Years.

I hope you all had a good NewYears because I sure as hell didn't. Let me explain. Long story here, at the end I'll give a short version for all you people that don't like to read much.

New years party at Kelsey's house. I was going to go to Bryan's house before hand to hang out with him Steven and possibly Misa. No such luck on Misa, she's in Florida, no one seemed to know. It took me awhile to get to Bryan's because Cassie's car got stuck. Eventually I got there, Steven wasn't there yet. Bryan played videogames and I watched. After awhile he turned the videogames off and we sat and talked. Kinda. He more of tried to tickle me. We called Steven and he came over. We went to the door and got confused when Misa was not at his side. He said she was in Florida, and we all went to the basement again. Steven played video games and Bryan and I watched. Bryan held me on the couch and we were acting very lovey dovey because I planned on going out with Bryan after talking to Speedy. Steven kept calling Bryan and I cute, and we both kept telling him to shut up. I was quite content. Around 6ish we walked over to Steven's house to get his car to drive over to Kelsey's for the party. Kelsey handed out bracelets and necklaces and people continually complained about how quiet I was. The party consisted of Ariel, Bryan, Kelsey, Marty, Steven, and me. Being the teenagers we are we got into a game of truth or dare. We all kinda sucked at thinking up truths or dares on our own so it was more of group truths or group dares. We all seemed to go into pairs. Bryan and me. Kelsey and Marty. And the two left over: Steven and Ariel. Course, with us being teenagers, a lot of the dares had to do with kissing or gropeing. Ariel had to leave at 8 because of her mother. We all went on, and for Steven's amusement he made a dare for Kelsey and Marty. Every time someone said the word 'lame' they had to kiss. No big deal they're dating. Either Kelsey or Marty dared Bryan and I the same thing. It was supose to last an hour. You never really realize how many times people say 'lame' until you get a dare like that. Later in the night, we called Ariel to make her apart of the circle again. We put her on speakerphone and everything. My back started hurting and I claimed the bed, and tried to sleep. It's a lot easier that way, no one trys to pester you to talk more. They all assumed I was asleep when I stopped replying to "Angie's asleep" with "No she isn't." I never ended up falling asleep no matter how hard I wanted to or how much I tried. Maybe it was a good thing. Ariel was taken off of speaker phone to talk to Kelsey. From what I could hear, which was Kelsey's end, Ariel has a crush on Bryan. Bryan assumed such too. He ended up talking to Ariel on the phone for close to the rest of the night. He never got rid of his feelings for Ariel. Now he has a conflict to settle. Who to choose: Ariel, or Angie? Around 20 till midnight someone turned on the lights and I started moving around. They said they were sorry for waking me, and I told them that I hadn't been sleeping. I think that's when Bryan realized what he did. I didn't really talk to anyone for the rest of the time they were there. Bryan tried to make things better. He tried hugging me but I wouldn't even look at him. I kept trying to tell myself not to cry. Don't cry Angie. It's okay. It would have happened eventually. Don't worry Angie, things will be okay. When Bryan and Steven had to leave, I was curled up in a corner. Bryan tried to hug me. This really awkward hug because I was in a corner. He said that I could call him later if I wanted to talk. Or if I didn't want to talk to him ever again, he'd understand. That statement made me cry. After all that convincing myself I'd be okay, I started crying. Steven saw I was upset and told me to feel better. When they left, Kelsey and Marty came back to me to try to help me. Marty was in a horrible mood, I never really knew how short his temper was. Kelsey tried to console me and get Marty to calm down. Marty was so ticked that Bryan could do something like that to me, after leading me on almost all night. Kelsey told me everything would be okay. After alittle bit, Marty had to leave too. I was spending the night at Kelsey's. When Marty got up to leave, he waved to me because I wouldn't hug anyone before. I jumped off the bed and hugged him and ended up crying harder. Kelsey told me she'd be right back and she walked Marty to the door and said her goodbyes. I sent a text to Bryan telling him to do whatever made him happiest. Kelsey came back and I cried some more. I sent texts back and forth to Bryan, and so did Kelsey. I tried to get my mind off things by playing checkers with Kelsey. I lost horribly even with cheating. Mind you she watched me cheat and said nothing. Such obvious cheating too. She still won. We started texting Steven too. Eventually, Steven just called us and we talked to him over speakerphone. We verbally bashed Bryan. Along with sending some not so pleasent texts to him too. What can I say? I was freaking hurt. He chose Ariel. Kelsey told him that she was only on the rebound from Johnie, and that Ariel would only use him, not on purpose of course. She told him that I actually liked him, and Ariel only kinda did. Ariel felt bad. She didn't want him to know she liked him. She wanted me and Bryan to work out. She didn't want to hurt mine and her friendship. Kelsey and I stayed on the phone with Steven till around 4am. Kelsey and I talked till five. And I spent some odd more hours thinking and yet more crying.

Great way to start the New year. Drama Drama and more Drama.

Short version: Bryan led me on, then jumped at the first chance to go out with Ariel.

I kinda wish that she crushes him into the ground or something. Then I feel bad for thinking that. I'm in a weird mood. Don't mind me for awhile.