leave me to die

ugh... okie school again... went early and picked up trevor so i might just get to know the school better... didnt really help, i was half awake... but whatever... english we had an assembly... but our teacher wouldnt let us leave the room unless we tore the signed part off, but there was words on the other side and we spent ten moniutes doing that she apologized, then told us to go to the gym, then we finally went the right way, and we were late, after that was science, we went to the computer lab... half of the class was lagging, and... after that um.... photography... im so freaking lost... and we saw the dark room... wheee -.- after that... was... geography, did some things... and.... then went to lunch... ran into chelsea... ang got my goggles back from leah... then study hall... then french.... then math... whee... yea okie... got home was perfectly fine and hyper and now im not, yes there is something wrong, and if you feel daring to ask, im going to tell you what i told everyone else, im perfectly fine, even if im not, no ones getting this out of me... i dont care who the hell you are... well.. ate dinner and went on a walk with chelsea... JC called her while we were at the park... yea... ok... like any of this you really wanted to freaking know... i just feel like curling up in a ball and waiting until i die... i just wish i could disconnect myself from the world and let my body keep going without my knowledge... bleh... imma go...

Mental Break Downs And Vinilla Coke

WELL i survived... barely... yet again... this time it was a closer cut, anyways today mom woke me up because my alarm didnt go off, i got ready sleepily, and when i was ready i went downstairs to get on the computer, possibley see if trevor was on, and he was, so i talked to him as i waited for mom to realize what time it was stop playing bejeweled and take me to school, when i got there i looked for fuji so him and missy could help me out, didnt find either of them, figured they were coming later and found miraya (spelling? o_O) and she didnt have her locker either so we both went to go get them, found that the line we got into was only for sheduals and registration, and no one knew were we could get our lockers, so me and miraya went back to the commons and waited, i found fuji and missy and we kinda walked around for awhile, i had no idea where we were going, then i found amy, she kinda slowed me down and i lost fuji and missy, then i found chelsea and she freaked out and hugged me, then i made her show me where to find my first class, and i hung out there, and so far i wasnt really freaking out, i was pretty calm, after english i wandered around trying to find science, i had to ask a teacher and they didnt seem to know where it was either, when i found it the bell had already rung and i ended up getting the seat right behind trevor (SCORE!) not as good as sitting next to him but eh still good, we did a pig profile thing, none of em seems to fit me very well, then we made name tags and i grafetied trevors and he did mine, then i drew on my own for awhile... half listening and such, then mad libs XD freaking hell only trevor wouold know theres an actual word for the action of attacking someone with a fish XD gawd, and now i was freaking out a bit cause i had no idea where any of my classes were... well thennn...um... i think i had to go find math, and i got there on time! ohyea! anyways... we got homework and i stalked KC to get to my next class, which happened to be geography... and that freaking starway in the commons is suicide. so we went around... and the bell rang as we were running up the stairs, and i got into the class right before he was shutting the door, and i think that hes my favorite teacher o_o seriously, anyways after that class, melinda wanted to seewhere i was going next, i wanted to see if she was understanding on the lunch thing cause i sure as hell wasnt, and she wasnt too knowing either, then she found KC and kelly found them and all of them walked off together o_o i found missy aand she told me which lunch i was suppose to have, she was following brianna to her locker and i was following her, till i ran into trevor and i followed him, SAME LUNCHHH WHEEEE least for now anyways, something about too many ninth grade classes in that lunch? ah well anyways ate lunch and gave half of it to missy, cause with my upset stomach i wasnt feeling very well, so i had a samish and a coke ^_^ and then i had leah help me to find study hall, she gave me general directions and sent me on my way, i found laurel and had to track her down to stalk her to study hall, rules bleh bleh bleh whee laura sits infront of me and i drew and passed notes with her until the period was over, now i was a bit relaxed and feeling more like i could get through the day, then photography -.- gawd that screwed me over totally, okie well they screwed up the sheduals and i was TOTALLY in the wrong class, so i went to go change me shedual, by the time i got to the office i was almost crying, i went and got it changed to seventh and i got french sixth, okie i could deal with that more of my friends were in that french class anyways, okie so i got to the french room (still really trying not to cry) get into the room... and EVERY single seat is taken up, not to mention i got there half way through the period, and i got to sit at a table in the front of the room, rules rules rules, and all through thatone of the kids wouldnt stop staring at my shoes, another kid looked to be having a mental breakdown, and some others kept looking over at me, then looking at the door and the clock, well after french i was feeling a bit better... till photgraphy again... WRONG FREAKING CLASS AGAIN so i went back with ariel and had to wait with another girl, who had to transfer out of cooking because apparently they were jam packed, so while we were waiting one of the ladys there had a cat....an actual freaking cat... just sitting in her lap, she was waiting for someone to come pick it up or something, she went into one room and asked if they were allergic to cats, apparently they were, she waited about five minutes then asked if the principal was just on the phone and she was so she shoved the cat in that room, it was so cute though *swoons* i wanted to steal it ^_^ conceal it in my sweater and scamper off, but i couldnt, finally i got another schedual, and get to have algebra AGAIN only now, i have a totally different teacher, which might get confusing at the end of the year when i have to return my book o_o and some kids phone went off during class XD he had no idea it was his XD so now i have math seventh and... photography fourth i think, least they didnt change my second period ^_^ well after that class i went to wait outside the band room like missy asked me to since we both are in need of lockers, trevor came out and i told him i wasnt waiting for him and he scampered off, and i didnt get a hug T_T missy came out and we walked over to were we are suppose to get our lockers, wellll... they said too bad come back tomorrow, so i went out the front to wait for my mom to pick me up, spotted trevor and went running at him and semi jumped of him, thought of glomping him... but he was carring an open soda bottle o_o so i didnt, and i got a drink of trevors soda ^_^ i waited for a whilem and flipped out when my phone went off, and she was in the back waiting for me, so i started scampering to the back and got in a bye and i walked away, found mom and i told her about my day, we got home and i asked her if maybe trevor and mary could come over, realizing then that there was no marching band that day, so i got inside and did some stuff went online and asked trevor about it and called mary, both could come over so i collected my laundry and socks... and my shoes that wander out of my room and find their way around the house ^^; then WHOOSH i was ready to go, however mom wasnt, she dragged the bansaw into the laundry room to cut some wood, then dragged it back into the shop, then we left to get trevor, by now i had eatten half of a blizzard and was spazing, got trevor and we went back home to find mary on out door step, wheeee we sat in the living room for awhile, then the kitchen... then the basement, when mary had to leave, i hugged her she hugged trevor and left, then trevor and i watched hampsters for a bit and went back to watching tv, and soon mom was yelling at us if we were ready to leave X3 so we left AND OMG RAINBOW! dropped him off came home, talked to him online =3 cause i already miss him cause im joost that pathetic =33 then i wrote this and now i should maake mom a cappicino X3 hopefully tomorrow will go down better, and trevors gonna meet me in the commons during access to help me around the school ^^ so sweet, ANYWAYS cappicino... whee!

school jitters...

im so nervous about school starting T_T i dont know where ANY of my classes are, i dont know the school at all except for the autotorium and the commons, i have no idea where my locker is... my schedual confuses me... im going to end up either scratching all of the skin off my fingers, making myself a bloody lip by chewing on it so much or... i dont know, im just that nervous T_T i dont want to go... and i half just want to die tonight just so i dont have to go, i know im overreacting but thats how i feel T_T ughhhhh... im like... almost cryinggggg.... i just want to.. like fastforward my life so i dont have to go through all of this... or rewind so i can go back to middle school or even elementary where i wasnt so scared T_T okie... well i lied i am crying cause im just that scared... crap...

LYRIC TIME! explict content. BONUS a post if i feel like it...

these are some of my favorote ICP (insane clown posse) songs
this one is just really fun to listen to...
IF
in order, for one to metamorphasize, from one's inner self being projected out into
the astral plane and to rematerialize into an inanamite object or another living
organism for that matter is entirely and absolutely impossible, however

if i was your tv i'd be like, look at me
if i was shooting star i be like shooooom (peace)
if i was a fat bitches thong i'd be like hell nah
if i was a hotties thong i'd be like ahh
if i was a cuss word i'd just be like, fuck
if i was a rock on the moon i'd be chillin like sup
if i was a butthole i'd just be an exit
if i was the DOC i'd be like "man this is bull shit"
if i was your tires on your car i'd be like (car noises)
if i was the bumper on your car i'd be like ahh fuck
if i was a balloon i'd be like (balloon losing air)
if i was Alyssia Milano i'd be fucking Joe Bruce
if i was a radio DJ i'd probably say, point 103
if i was a richie ass bitch i'd be like, um ok
if i was spin magazine i'd put a mirror on the cover and be like
fuck us and all our readers, even this mother fucker
if i was your mental stress i'd be catching up
if i was your headaches every now and then I'd be like thuuummmp
if i was your tounge i'd be hatin' your teeth i'd be like
ah why do you try to bite me every time we eat?
if i was a chair i'd be like sit here
and if i was kid rock i'd cut my feathered wolf hair
if i was your muffler i'd be like shhh quietly
if i was a price tag i'd be like you ain't buyin me
if i was a fresh DJ i'd be like (scratching record)
if i was jam master jay i'd be like(scratching record)
if i was a cheap clock radio i'd be like (radio static)
if i was barry white i'd be like what up ya'll
if i was a nipple in the cold i'd be like (spring noise)
if i was your dead uncle i'd be like
if i was a rain drop i'd just be like (rain drop)
and i had an axe and your neck i might say Chop

[Chorus]
If i was if i was but i'll never be
(if i was if i was but i'll never be)
If i was if i was but i'll never be
(if i was if i was but i'll never be)
If i was if i was boy your killing me
(if i was if i was boy your killing me)
If i was if i was but i'll never be
(If i was if i was but i'll never be)

If i was a faygo at one of our shows
i'd fly through the air into an ocean of juggalo's
if i was Andre the giant this is how i would be manly
if i was father mc i'd be like yeah what happened
if i was a mirror i'd find another mirror
and look each other dead in the eye, crystal clear
if i was a slider i'd slid out your but, i'd be floating in the toilet
looking at you like what?
if i was a pilot i'd be like air traffic control
if i was john denver i'd be like ahhhh
if i was a switch i'd be like flip me yoohoo
if i was a london cop car i'd be like (siren)
if i was chewbacca i'd get me a fresh ass ?face?
if i was vanilla ice i'd be like fuck yall i'm still paid
if i was a stop sign i'd just be like stop
if i was your wooden leg i'd still be giving you the hip hop

I like the chorus in this one ^_^
MY AXE
I Love my faygo, my nyquil pills, shaggy, I love my buddies, my hatchetman, but I love my axe

My axe iz my buddy, I bring him when I walk
me and my axe will leave your head outlined in chalk
My axe is my buddy, he always makes me laugh
me and my axe cut bigot spinal chords in half
My axe is my buddy, and when I wind him back
me and my axe will give your forehead a buttcrack
my axe is my buddy, I never leave without him
me and my axe will leave your neck a bloody fountain

[CHORUS 2x:]
everybody everybody everybody run
murdering murdering murdering fun
swing swing swing
chop chop chop
swing swing swing
chop chop chop

My axe is my buddy, we right the planet's wrongs
me and my axe leave bigots dead on richie lawns
My axe is my buddy, he never make me cry
me and my axe will leave a divot for your eye

[TYLENOL INTERLUDE]

My axe is my buddy, don't take him for a chump
me and my axe will leave you hoppin' on a stump

[CHORUS 2x:]

interlude: look into the deadest tree, tell me baby wut you see
don't you hear the branches cry, asking for the reasons why
did they hang so many men, from the branches off of them
why did humans make them play, with them in their evil way
look into the moon's beam, can't you fathom what it's seen
bodies dragging from a truck, driven by a bigot fuck
why you think the heavens cry, acid rain and blizzard skys
aint no covering the tracks, that's why I'm here and oh yes

My axe is my buddy, he'll thump into your head
me and my axe will make your white T-shirt all red
My axe is my buddy, you let that dixie wave
me and my axe will fuck your mother on your grave

[TYLENOL INTERLUDE]

My axe is my buddy, we both cry with the trees
me and my axe will bring the devil to his knees

[CHORUS 4X]

this song... is just good
MR. HAPPY
oys and girls everybody gather round all in together now
Love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
Must kill you, must kill you, must kill you, must kill you

Verse 1
I'm kinda fat and I sweat alot
but that's the only bad creepy things I got
That and maybe the whole murdering aspect
but we aint even really got to that yet
I love people I love everything about them
and that's why I gotta live life without them
Huh? I know this don't make any sense to you but fuck you
this songs about me exclusively
Murder, Murderous, Murderation
The murdering mentality without an explanation
I'm Mr. Happy and I ride a bike (Ching)
I aint gotta seat I just sit on the pipe thing
I whistle, I sing I'll pet your poodle
I'll twist and squeeze your neck like a wet noodle
Cuz I'm so happy I'll stab your ass
and lay down next to you dead in the grass and say
Oh, it feels so good everytime I murder I get happy

Happy, happy, happiest
I'm happy, happy happiest
I'm happy, happy, happiest
I'm happy, happy, happiest
Murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you

Verse 2
I love you so hand me your neck
let me teach you about love and respect
Respect the fact that I love to kill
wait a minute yall I gotta take my pill
(Zanoffs, it works, I'm down to only 3 people a day)
My victims, I give em love and care
I don't wanna get blood everywhere
I don't use a chainsaw or a butcher knife
that's so 90's, get it right
I never mutilate or chop my loves
all I really need is a pair of gloves
Or maybe a car I'll run em down with it
I know that can be messy but the birds will get it
Don't you see that I love you...idiots
I'm Mr. Happy and I'm all about fun
Now get in the pit and try to kill someone
Oh it feels so good everytime I murder I get happy


Happy, happy, happiest
I'm happy, happy happiest
I'm happy, happy, happiest
I'm happy, happy, happiest
Murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you

Verse 3
My bike has a basket full of strawberries
I picked them myself along with apples and cherries
and lemons and oranges and boogers and limes
plus theres a faygo in there but that's mine
red flowers like after your dead
I'll plant seeds and grow em out the side of your head
I got flowers all over the back yard
In the form of a Joker's card
Uh oh
Feels good I'm like the choko of my neighborhood
I'm one of those midnight creeps at Denny's
talking to myself and licking my pennies
I got a french fry hanging out of my beard
Don't go near that guy, he's weird
You know I'm all good and everythings all right
When you hear this scream in the middle of the night, like this
Oh, it feels so good everytime I murder I get happy


Happy, happy, happiest
I'm happy, happy happiest
I'm happy, happy, happiest
I'm happy, happy, happiest
Murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you

Happy, happy, happiest
I'm happy, happy happiest
I'm happy, happy, happiest
I'm happy, happy, happiest
Murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you
I murder, murder, murder you

QUESTIONS! whee good song XD
Why, every time I reach for the sky I can only reach so high, why
why, every time I head-but a brick wall I always crack my skull, why
why, every time I stab somebody, I always get my clothes bloody, why
why, every time I drive down the wrong side of the street, everyone wanna be, why
why, every time I'm broke and I sell rock I wind up in a cell block, why
why, every time I shoot somebody in the face, pigs give chase, why
why, every time I drink a little gasoline, I shit my spleen, why
why, when I try to fly like a birdy, I wind up on a gurney, why

[Chorus 2x]
Won't you tell me why
someone tell me why
Jesus tell me why
I must find out why

Why, every time I swallow a fat head nail, my neck feels stale, why
Why, every time I contact dark spirits, they wanna break my mirrors, why
Why, every time I choke a friends neck, he don't come back, why
Why, every time I stab my eyes with an ice pick, I cant see shit, why
Why, every time I play chicken with a train, it wins the game, why
Why, every time I wake the dead up, the try to eat my head up, why
Why, every time I see my reflection, I see no direction, why
Why, every time I order a taco, you want a bite muthafucko, tell me why

[Chorus 2x]
Won't you tell me why
someone tell me why
Jesus tell me why
I must find out why

Why, every time I raise my arms in celebration, playahation, why
Why, just cause I'm dead in decation, you give me no ass, why
Why, every time I chew on thumb tacks, I get blood on my snacks, why
Why, every time I kick faygos in the sky, you wanna know why, why
Why, every time an angel wanna kiss me, it always seems to miss me, why
Why, every time I shangri-la seem so far away, you better leave to day, why

[Chorus (until song ends)]
Won't you tell me why
someone tell me why
Jesus tell me why
I must find out why

well i was going to do radio play, but i cant find all the lyrics, ah well thats from the cd bizzar

BONUS POST! wheeee... i had an uber long postttttt that i wrote yesterday morning while i was waiting for trevor to come pick me up, ended up finishing it right as he got here, hit publish and such... and it didnt go through T_T and by the time i got home it wouldnt recover my post... so guess if you REALLY want to know what happened after orientation then ask me? cause im not typing it again, GAWD so long... anyways yesterday was stalk trevor day, or atleast for me, wheeeeeeee... so we drove to boondocks, we did the go-karts, annnnddd.... then... video games... DDR OMG and then lunch... inwhich i only ate an ice cream sandwich and downed a dr pepper, then laser tag.... red team lost... the team me and trevor were on....and green team won the team howard and trevors mom was on T_T and then.... more go carts... and i was run into the wall by NO OTHER THAN AGGRESSIVE DRIVER TREV XD which was funny... i was stuck so i had to sit there and raise my hand, and everyone who past me laughed at me cause i got a bit agressive too, and kept cutting him off... and he kept getting ahead of me and swerving back and forth... so id yell ^_^, and in the end... literally, the end of the race... trevor got stuck on a wall XD NICE anyways, after that we went back in the archade... and... did basically nothing o_O; then we drove to trevors house and i looked through photo albums... OMG TREVOR WAS A NINJA! while trevor baked brownies, by the time i was done with the three albums he was waiting for the brownies to be done, and we just sat on the kitchen floor, my stomach started hurtting really bad, so i curled up in a ball and tried to ignore it, brownies got all baked and such... and i went to the window and watched the rain, and trevor started making cake, and i sat under the counter yet again curled up in a ball, and for some really odd reason i felt like i really needed to cry *shrug* after awhile i ended up using trevor as a pillow and still being semi curled up in a ball, realllly trying not to cry, thhheeennn the cake was all done and such, so we waited for it to cool to frost it, then trevors mom came back and told us to come to the party for a bit, and so we did and i ate a hotdog... then we played ping pong... trevor and i both REALLY suck, but hes still better than me, and then i watched trevor and howard play, then we went back to trevors house and just sat on the couch for awhile, and my side started hurting even more, so yet again curled into a ball, then we went insearch of a movie, found galaxy quest and decided to watch that, i curled up in the armchair, trevor sat infront of it and trevors mom sat in the computer chair, when it was over it was like... 9:15 and trevors mom went back to the party and trevor and i just kinda sat in the dark doing nothing... cept i couldnt stop shaking, felt like i had just woken up or something, like... id stretch and then id shake, but normally thats only for a couple minutes... i ended up shaking for like an hour o_o; at 9:45 we went to retrieve trevors mom so she could take me home, and by the time i walked in the door it was like 9:56 and mom said i was lucky because dad was in a grounding mood, i went downstairs, still shaking, went on the computer, then found i was extremely hungry... so i went upstairs and found chocolate cake, so i ate that ^_^ when i was finished my stomach really hurt e.e and found we had like NO milk... so i cursed at my stomach for taunting me so, anddddd... um...got off the computer watched whose line is it anyway until midnight while i layed on the basement floor trying to get minky not to groom me e.<; annnddd... umm... after that i went to bed... woke up several times this morning... and went back to sleep then came out to the computer... and what was kinda ironic aboout yesterday was mom let me go if i promised to eat, and i barely did that X3 anyways... hopefully i can get the basement user friendly and some friends can come over... HOPEFULLY... T.T anyways i should do that... or something...

Summer is almost to its end...

well... its 6:58... and im awake... and i mean actually awake im hyper and everything, AND MY MOM DIDNT PROTEST MY OUTFIT FOR THE FIRST SEMI DAY OF SCHOOL whee! but.... im still saying its summer until im actually in the school... *clings to summer with a death grip* I DONT WANNA GOOOOOOO! T_T well... old angies back... you can BARELY tell i dyed my hair at all over the summer, ive got eyeliner on and my favorite jacket ^_^only new thing is im wearing shorts and stockings o_o; ive never done that on the first day... wheeee! hmm... short post... i did have a really odd dream last niight and the night before... but i cant remember em now... and i woke up today an hour and a half before my alarm... went back to sleep... then woke up fifteen minutes before my alarm x.x ANYWAYS im off to kill another 15 minutes BWEE!

im gimped up... and it hurts...

well, the day after the last time i posted i spent the night at junes, we didnt do much, as soon as we got there we went to a park by her house and vandelized the rocket slide and the pumpkin... ^^; sadly most of the stuff i wrote was exactly the same, anyways... we ended up staying up till about 3 am, and i went home that day and suck... didnt do much *is cutting post short for realizing what time it is* and today! i woke up when fruitcake called... but i had this really weird dream, i was at like i park or something, and amy was really mad at me, so she was like trying to kick me as i was swinging, finnally i stoof still and told her to go ahead and kick then she went over to trevor got ready to kick him then said something about only sucky people kick other peoples boyfriends then walked off, but she ran into me and tripped, so i tried helping her up and ended up falling myself, and well then i woke up, and kinda did nothing for awhile, then i walked out of my room and mom sucked me into watching dr phil x.x but i got off a half hour before the show ended on good behavoir ^_^ after dr phil mom and i went to go pick up trevor, came back to my house, watched tv uuntil chelsea called and we went to go for a walk with her, well i climbed the fence when we got there, and trevor stole my shoe, chelsea stole it from him and i tried getting off the monkey bars and i fell off x.x then ran to get my shoe, trevor grabbed it and threw it up the slide, and carried me over to another part of the playground i ran over to the slide and got my shoe, and stayed in the slide not talking cause i was alittle mad, then we left, and i climbed over the fence again, and hit the ground hard, and now it hurts to walk, but being as stubborn as i am i didnt want anyone to help me, so i limped almost all the way home, cept chelsea was alittle late so trevor gave me a piggy back ride, then we walked to my house, i went straight to my room still limping x.x and well, trevor and i watched tv until he went home not too long ago, and here i am blogging... and out of time... bleh school starting soon and moms insiting i go to bed earlier T_T i hate school OW freaking a.... no watch, im still gonna try climbing that damn fence e.e

Shall my sanity be lost in a stamped envelope you shall get my spork.

WELL! we did a bunch of random stuff last night... very random... but what goes on in justins car stays in justins car, so unless i luer you in the car, you dont get to know ^_^ whee! but what you can know... is on the way to the drive-in ... YES IN NOT THRU DAMNIT... -.<; we saw a car with a clown in it ^_^ XD like it was this super small... and the license plate said "SKIDDLES" i thought it was really weird until we past them and i was like "OMG THERES A CLOWN IN THAT CAR!" so justin slowed down and we tried to get him to pass us but he wouldnt... finally he did and cassie took a picture and he posed o_o it was amusing... and... we got home around 1:00 am, then we messed around in the car for another half hour playing with the radio thing... CB radio... whee! then went inside, and june and i talked for roughly two hours o_o and... slept till noon ^^;;; and ate breakfast... and now here we are... and june saying everything im typing... okiiieeee.... like two hours later and im back to typing this wheee! but i dont really have anything to say o_o buttttttt... plans forming in my head for stuff to do later today ^_^ yay!

My mental hamster died. Please try again when another one spawns.

KAY! since someone wanted an update on the old blogy here it is, (even if the one requesting it already knew all this crap) KAYYYY! one of these past days i went to go see sky high with trevor, and being colorado, it was all rainy like and gloomy weather, we got to the theatre early consitering when the movie was going to start, and well we sat in an empty theatre for a long awhile and found... the people at the mills suddenly SUCK as labeling the theatres, we went into what seemed to be sky high showing at 7:15 left that theatre because stealth was showing, and by the time we left that theatre to find another sky high it was 7:49, but we did get to watch it which is the important thing, and it was pretty good, we went out the random exit door that almost no one seems to use and i called my mom after getting hug tackled by trevor, it was around i think 9:30 when i called her, so we wandered over to jillians (first spelled that killians... i like it like that) and sat down on the benches, some annoying as hell kids were about and two of them carried one of the benches across the street onto the random circle of pavement with a horse in the middle, the other ones called out to them saying that that was their bench... then being all the idiots they are, they pulled the other bench into the middle of the street, all of them left before the security guards could pwn them... i wanted to see that, ah well anyways, trevor and i sat, and apparently i didnt look so happy *shrug* i guess i really wasnt but anyways, security guards came and moved the benches back when mom came, and she drove trevor home, and i tried to give him a hug before he got out of the car but apparently my seatbelt argued against that, i got pwned by mom on the way home and when i got home i took about an hour bath then went to bed... kinda... i ended up writting a note instead, next day, get up and its like.. noon i think, end up calling trevor only to mock him because he had just had a root canal and was still drugged up, and sorry i mocked... anyways later cassie said jokingly that if trevor wanted some popcorn he could come over, well i thought it was worth a shot, turned out he could, so i tried getting cassie to pick him up, but alas, she said if she did she wanted something in return, and im already in debt to her enough as it is, so i asked mom, but tiny little thing, i forgot to ask if it was alright if trevor could even come over, mom was fine and we went to pick him up, came home... and did basically nothing but watch tv and eat until his mom came and picked him up at like 9:03, and... yesterday... i... cant... really remember if that was it or not... or if i just wasted away another day... bleh ah well today, woke up at like 7:30 and sleepily got packed and everything... then went to moms appointment with her then up the mountain we went... mom noticed on the way that registration *gag* is tomorrow, and we couldnt figure out what times, so we had no idea if i could stay here or not, finall found out from laurel.. and most of today i wasted away, curling up in my uncle larrys recliner... like i have in past years and do to alot of chairs, where i used one of the arm rests as a pillow for my head and lay side ways curls up in a ball, but i am getting a bit to big for that in uncle larrys chair... most of the time i have my legs over the other arm rest or hanging out so they barely touch the floor and i have to make an effort if i want to rock back and forth... for some reason i find it very soothing to rock back and forth in a chair, or just curling up in a ball and doing that on the floor or something, but most of the time people think somethings wrong then so i try not to do it when around people, well i tried to watch tv and such but either mom was vacuuming or danny (aka fruitcake) was singing, hes not that bad but i dont like the blues that much and thats what he was singing, he said i could sing too if i wanted to and i told him chances are i didnt know any of the songs, and ive been getting kinda irritated with riley, because he keeps biting my foster dog when fosto does nothing to him, like today foster was laying on the couch to get away from riley and i layed down with him just cause i love him, well riled comes over and tries nipping at foster so i tried to distract him with a plastic bottle, soon foster thought i was paying nore attention to riley than him and got up off the couch and left... so i stopped playing with riley and curled back up on the recliner, i did that for a few more hours then mom desided to go home, so she left and i killed time till i thought trevor might be online, when i did get online he wasnt on but kyle was, so i talked to him, and talked to sarah (yay she was talking to me again, just like old times ^_^) then dinner came and i went downstairs and ate, then came back to the computer and still found trevor not on, got my cell phone out and debated on calling him or not... debated on calling jared... put the cell phone in my lap and just when i was about to pick it up again to call trevor, it vibrates and trevors picture come up on the screen, i talked to hime for a bit, then called him on my aunts phone, then jared called my cell phone and i talked to him and got him to get a three way with trevor, then jared said he should go and such, said our goodbyes, trevor hung up and i was about to also but i heard jared still talking, so i listened, then i dont know... kinda got rude and told him to stop procrastinating on work, so he hung up on me.. and i called trevor, while my thoughts got the better off me,after awhile he accidently hung up on me, i contemplated about calling him back or not... decided not to then he came online and started talking to me, still my thoughts were getting worse and worse, finally i ended up telling trevor all the stuff that could happen, all of the stuff might happen, just because im in this mood... where i expect the worst from everything and everyone, i tried not to tell it all because ive done that before and only ended up feeling guilty when the person i told finally gave up and me and labeled me hopeless, i feel guilty i broke their spirit, that i dragged them down into my pit of dispair, i aplogize and try to get everything normal once more, i act happy as if i had not a doubt in the world, and do stupid things to get their hopes back up, i hate it when im in moods like this, i hate people worrying about me when they could be thinking of more important things than how im doing, i hate having to put up an act so i do not distrub their peace of mind, i hate that people even care about me, yet at the same time i want them to care, i live for them worrying, i seem to get a rush from being like this and wallowing in self pity thenfeeling awful for showing it to anyone and making them think im not alright, when they are correct... im not alright, im not really sure if im ever alright... and most of the time i lie when people ask how i am, or i say sucky and nothing more to let them wonder about wht it could be which certainly has to be better than what is really wrong, but most of the time i say im fine, im good, im anything other than miserable and wanting to cause myself pain, just so they wont try to pry, so they wont try to dig under my surface to find the real me, curled up in a ball crying or despretly searching for something to make me feel again, which is also when i get into the habits of scratching the skin off my fingers, scratching deep enough to let out alittle blood, oddly enough only about three people grab my hands so ill stop, the three being trevor leah and laurel... i remember one morning before school leah noticed i was doing that, so she grabbed my hands to make me stop, i despretly wiggled my fingers out enough just so i could scratch harder and bleed, laurel then notived and grabbed the finger i had been digging at, which stung a little and i calmed down, and stopped trying to get away, then the bell rang and laurel opened her hand to find my blood on her palm, i looked at my thumb and saw that it was bleeding, and figured it was my struggling that finished it, laurel aplogized and i said it was fine.. because it was... that was my intention the whole time was to get myself to bleed, and it was accomplished, i was more or less calm then... but i still picked at my thumb trying to make it bleed more, and leah smacked my hand and held my thumb away from my other fingers so i couldnt preceed, and leah smacked and held my hand through most of second tri in science class so i couldnt make myself bleed, and trevor does about the same thing now, but with leah it was easier to hide, trevor notices more quickly and tells me to stop, and i do momentarly until i think hes not paying attention, most of the time i find im wrong, i guess i am starting to learn not to... every time i noticed ive started i end up thinking of them and how they keep trying to make me stop, and i try to stop because i know they probably know whats better for me than what i think is good for me, i used to do think all without thinking, you should have seen my fingers then, both sides of the nail would be scratched off until it stung too much or it bled, now ive gotten back into the habit of scratching where most of the nerves are... and i dont do it to make it bleed... but it kinda stings, kinda like home some people snap rubberbands on their wrists, i do this, but i usually end up making an air pocket and it stings whenever i try touching something, plus people dont notice me doing this as much and it doesnt leave much of a mark, anyways... sometimes i just hate that people care so much for me... that theyd waste their time on me when there are SO many other people who would be worth their while, so many people who could make them happier than me and they wouldnt have to worry as much on them as they end up doign with me, but when someone offers to try to stop caring or i think of then not caring... i feel guilty for being so selfish and thinnnk i wouldnt do too well if they did stop caring about me, id probably be more distructive to get them to care... to get them to pity me again... really... im just one really big hypicrite, and i hate it... i just wish some people could have better than me... even though they say they dont want better or there isnt better... there is... and they deserve it, they deserve it much much more than i deserve them... sometimes i feel like.. taking a bullet to the head... just so they all could move on, so they could forget about me... but chnces are theyd mourn for me... so i wish i had a time machine... so i could go back before they met me and replace myself with someone better that they deserve, ... man... its just like... some people are wasting time... like... blaming themseves for when im in this mood, thinking that its their fault when really its all mine... i feel so sorry for them... and hating myself for ever making them feel like it was their fault... and... all of them trying to make me feel better by prmoising me that theyll always be with me... i know they cant do it... and many of them have broken their promise by some outside force... like moving... me switching schools and them not returning my calls... and now im crying.. i just know im going to end up leaving them or theyre going to leave me, and their promises can do nothing about it, some even try... then loose heart and give in... that theyre drifting away from me... and i warn them! i warn them so much not to make promises they cant keep! i dont think that theyll try to break it but somethingelse will and no one can help us... nothing can keep us together! and i just feel... like theyre wasting their time... making emtpy promises im almost certain deep in their mind they know they cant keep, but for the time being they only want me to feel better, for me to feel securce... IVE FELT LIKE TTHAT BEFORE! only to have my security snatched away from me and leaving me alone... crying... its just a giant circle.. no escaping it... which is why i try to expect things like this to happen, so i wont feel so naive when my safe state of mind is ripped away from me again and again, so i can say i knew it was going to happen, so i wont feel so helpless... but when i try to tell people of it... they make more promises they cant keep... and i know theyd try their hardest just to let me slip back into being secure... so i wouldnt worry so much... but the plan deminishes... and im almost positive everyones will... i cant let myself go back to being naive...i dont want to hurt anymore.. well... ive probably just made you all worry more... so for that im sorry
anyways... happier note... i was talking to fuji and hes making a plan... and wont tell me what it is, but it grew off the idea we thought of of me being invisible to other people, just invisible angie, sure somepoeple might know im there but they dont think much more of me than that girl, and fuji said he might ask me for a request soon, but he wouldnt tell me his plan, so im left in the dark anyways... i should have been in bed an hour ago... and the intention of this entry... well was not to vent... but seeing as i spent hours doing so... well two to be exact... i really should sleep, registration... bleh... and mommys birthday saturday... night night everyone.. or morning

over view on the past few days

well, imma start with the day i went over to trevors, cause i cant remember when that was or anything before it, yea... went to trevors... whee, jared went too, jared went in a closet... i left around 9:30, jared spent the night,
some other day went mini golfing with trevor, jared, ellie, heley, mitch, some girl i had never met before, ben and amy, i was amys lacky for i got tired of her complainging and trying to pawn her bag off on jared, gave ellie a piggyback ride, downed some mountain dew, went home
yesterday, went to lanas house, got yelled at by cassie, and still am getting grief, well see he came into my room and her first question was "whats trevor doing today" i said marching band, and then i called lana to see if she could hang out today, but noo... max was home and oculdnt stay home by himself, , so cassie said she would take me to lanas, SHE SAID SHE WOULD SHE VOLENTEERED, but first we needed to pick up ashley, so we went to her house, i got scratches all over my legs from her stupid dog, then we went to pick up jermey, then we went to lanas house, AND I GOT FREAKING YELLED AT what more warning can i give then tellingg her the way there LIKE I DID WHILE WE WERE IN MORRISON, i told her... strret on the right, grapevine TURN, and ITS ALITTLE AFTER THIS TOWN! GAWD, so she yells at me for HER almost crashing the car, i swear she volenteers for driving me around and picking up my friends so I CAN OWE HER seriously, most of the time when people say "hey ill pick up trevor" is a form of generosity AND SHE DOESNT WANT ANYTHING IN RETURN but nooooo, and "oh ill buy your hair dye" "do you want some earrings? ill buy em" MY GOSH she makes it sound like i asked her for this stuff, which if i did, id owe her, but she offers SHE OFFERSSSS, but noooo.... i get to owe her omggg, and ooooo "you didnt tell me she lived so far away, you could have asked if i should have gotten gas" PAST MORRISON! WHAT DOESNT SHE GET ABOUT THAT! IDLEDALE FUCKING HELL IDLEDALE! she should of fucking looked to see if she needed gas, but nooo its all my faultttt, "morrisons not that far away, i could walk there" YEA FUCKING RIGHT! she wont even walk her lazy ass up the stair to make her OWN GADDAMN KOOLAID what makes her think shed EVER walk to morrison!? anyways... went to lanas, we spent hours drawing, then tv and i played with her kittens, then mom came and picked me up at 5:30, went home... talked to trevor on the phone alittle, cleaned my room and rearranged it which took up my time until about 12:16am when i finally got all of the crap off my bed, then i went to sleep, woke up at five to find minky sleeping on my head, went back to sleep and woke up at noon... been doing nothing since... cept being yelled at by cassie whee... e.e man i want to go somewhere... anywhere... or atleast have someome over so i dont have to deal with all of this alone...

two cool days and one dud...i guess two outta three aint bad o_O;

the day before yesterday... slept most of the day and or stayed in my room, until trevor called and we planned to go to the mall to get stuff for his room, i kinda wondered why he wanted me to go, but thats not the point, then we planned to finnally see charlie and the chocolate factory, when we got to the mall it was about four, which was when the movie started, it was rainning kinda hard and the wind was kinda strong, so we walked, cause of the rain ^_^ so we bought our ticket and went in and found some of trevors stalkers, and watched the movie, which... i have to say was really good, which is now my second favorite movie ^_^ then we went back to the reguilar mall and went to target to find some sheets... found none, so we went to earthbound and played with the hermit crabs, then we just mostly wandered, and found more stalkers, wandered some more, because were just that cool, went to borders and listened to some greenday, and played a new game... "keep angie away from the elevater button" and we got a ninja book ^_^ then i was going to go back over to trevors but it got to late, so i went home, and ended up calling trevor anyways

the great joys of going to my aunts house... especially with a friend, okieee welll, i woke up ten minutes before my alarm yesterday morning... which was 6:50 exactly o_o so i turned off my alarm and layed there for the next ten minutes... then decided to get out of bed and get dressed, as soon as i was done putting my clothes for the day on cassie knocked on my door and said she had something to give, me, which happened to be pencils mom had gotten me a couple years before but i used them all... and/or lent them to other people, they had butterflies and such on them and were pink purple and yellow, cassie said she would have gotten me ones with trucks on them but they had no girl names X3 so i thanked her and she asked if i wanted to share breakfast with her, i said yes and showed her the ninja book, and we ate and wrapped aunt cindys present, cassie made me hold some pictures so i set down the ninja book and went to go find my sweater because it was still rainy weather, then we went out the door and put all the stuff in the car and went to go pick up trevor, and waited for him to find his shoes XD then we went to the safeway to get some food for lunch... but... they didnt carry any and trevor shoved delly meat in his pocket XD and we made sure he left it behind before walking out, then we drove up the mountain till the next safeway where we got our food, and i was all... really really tired so i just tried to sleep in the car, then we got to aunt cindys and trevor met aunt cindy and foster... and riley and em, as like... within 3 minutes of when we walked in i gave my shoes to foster, and he carried them around the house, and then he stole cassies visor, and alittle later trevor and i watched tv, while aunt cindy mom and cassie talked in aunt cindys bedroom, then i remembered ecco and shoed trevor it, then since he found that game annoying and i cant get anywhere with it, we looked through the other games, and hooked up the ps2 and cassie and i played crash as trevor sat there... looking really confused and bored, after alittle bit, we paused the game and ate sugary foods ^_^ and... i layed on the floor and was attacked by dogs, then we went back to the game and cassie made me give up the couch, so i sat on the floor and trevor sat in the chair that i leaned against as i died... several times... after awhile i got really mad at the game, so i ended it and since no one else wanted to play or watch tv, i layed on the floor and tried to sleep, cassie fell asleep on the couch and trevor fell asleep in the chair, after awhile em kept walking on me so i petted him...and got kinda sore of the floor and grabbed my blanket and moved to the chair, but as soon as i sat down trevor woke up, and he threw a pillow at me, and we threw it back at each other for awhile then i kept it and tried to sleep again... didnt work, mom walked in and decided to vaccum, so she piled wolly the walrus (dog toy) inwhich i hugged, one of trevors shoes, one of my shoes, a sock tug-of-war toy, and a tennis ball on me... and it was pretty confortable, trevor tried fixing my glasses so theyre not crooked anymore... i dont think it worked but ah well, then after awhile i got up and left all the stuff that was on me on the floor and went to the bathroom , when i came back out to the sunroom the tv was on, and so we watched that for awhile... cassie took my blanket so i was majorly cold, which is why i curled up in the chair, and trevor decided to sit next to the chair i was in, and i finally decided to get another blanket... then they decided to move all the furnature, and because i didnt want to get up, trevor had to pick me up and move me to a different chair, so i layed there for awhile watching tv along with a bag on my lap until they were done moving and i put the bag on a table near me, trevor sat down next to the chair i was in, and then we wanted the clicker... and couldnt find it... so while looking around i saw foster on the couch, so i grabbed my blanket and sat next to him, and trevor layed on me, and then i asked aunt cindy if she knew where the clicker was... she did and we finally watched the simpsons, and i found i have easier access to trevors sides when hes laying on me XD, then uncle larry came home, and trevor met him and uncle larry opened his present, and mom tried to get me and trevor up to put our shoes on because we were going to leave soon, and after while we did... said bye to everyone, and went home, and around this time i was a bit more awake, then we got to my house and mom put on the unicorn song *shudder* EVIL! freakin evil... so i ran and turned it off, and we ate dinner, (more simpsons yay) after dinner i made mom a cappicino and then trevor and i watched more tv, with me then under another blanket because i was cold x.x and more poking, which seemed to hurt noth of us o_O; hurt my stomach and hurt his ribs, so why we continued im not really sure, but then he left and i did some stoof i cant remember... and some other stoof... then called trevor o_O; got off the phone with him at about 11, in which time i ended up crying because of the insane pain in my stomach, so i spent another hour crying and watching tv before i went to bed...and listened to greenday... but i didnt get much past the third song before i fell asleep

TODAY! im doing absolutly nothing, because... im that lame ^_^ so i think imma go back to watching tv in my room, baiii!

Tell me, where is Gandalf, for much desire to speak with him.

WELL! most of the day yesterday i did absolutly nothing... at all...until like... 6 something when i was all watching tv in the basement and mom yells "HEY SHORTCAKE!" so i yell back what and she yells that trevors here, so i run up the stairs and out the door to go to a church thingy ma-bob with trevor and jared, on the way there i SO lost the slugbug game... shouldve never taught him that game... i am no longer teh master x.x XD ah well, anyways, we get to the church dealy and jared and i just kinda follow trevor around because were both lost as hell, random singing of church song, and out of the three of us, i think trevor was the only one that actually sang, then we listened to things, did a prayer and left, and then we went and played vollyball... inwhich... i suck majorly, kept having these stupid flashback of gym at hutchinson when i was one of teh worst players and always one of the last picked, unless ofcourse i was the team captian (which i never wanted to be) or one of my good friends was a team captian... and MAN did i suck at vollyball, hell, id serve and end up hitting the wall behind me and itd bounce back and hit someone (normally me) and soccer... bleh... most of the time i just stood there because everytime i tried to go for the ball SOMEONE would trip me, hand ball i sucked... really bad aim, hockey i got yelled at for hitting the ball to hard, dogdeball i was good at... one of the few games i liked and really got into, but of course, one, im slow and often get hit, two i have bad aim, and three, the last two years at hutchinson, the gym teacher was against dodgeball e.e i cant remember his name.... bleh whatever... gymnastics i also sucked at, i could barely do a handstand without falling backwards on my back and knocking the air out of me, and cartwheels? pfft you kidding, id go half way end up hurting my arm or something and colapsing, anyways back to what happened yesterday e.e i got so bevous and such i scratched off like half the skin on the top of my index finger, which now hurts like hell... and really thats the first time ive done that, normally i scratch it but not hard enough to rip skin off, so i normally just make it sore... i do that almost every year on the first week of school, cause im so scared im going to mess up and get lost or something... i mean... dude... I STILL GET LOST IN DUNSTAN! and for most of the time i was there i had no idea where the hell the band room was, and it took me forever to realize that all the stairs were on one side of the school, anyways, we played vollyball until jared had a bunch of thirt and we went on a quest for drinks, and found... there were none... but there was a drinking fountain... jared and trevor fought over it and trevor ended up snorting an oreo that he grabbed from the snack table when we found out there were no drinks left, we stayed in the hall for awhile, and jared and trevor hugged ^_^ and that scared one of the people there XD then we went to the gym again... and were herded into the room with chairs and we watched a movie, and jared kept saying "oh this is the best part... OH NO this is the best part... hah... thats my favorite part" then when it was over jared said "you knoow... my favorite part was with that guy... and he was there... and he was talking... yea that guy" then we went outside to wait for trevors mom, and we went to the grass area and jared and trevor ran around in circles... then spin in circles... crashed then jared wore trevors shoes and trevor wore jareds shoes, then trevor threw a bunch of the shoes... and jared tried to convince trevor to play the penis game or... rectal herpies game o_O then trevors mom got there, and we all went to trevors house... and were going to help him arrange his room... but got all distracted with trying to find trevors "friend" o_O; and found his gutair instead... so we searched for a place with a three prong outlet found one in the dining room and sat there, and messed with his gutair, which was fun, then we went to the computer, watched the "theyre taking the hobbits to isengard" video, then howard drove us all home and such, when i got inside mom said i was late and that i was grounded for two weeks from the computer and phone, im pretty sure they were kidding... but i dont know o_o; they said i was home too late than i said i was, BUT i also had said io had my cell phone if they needed me, and since they were laughing while trying to ground me i think they were kidding... but i think theyre trying to enforce it o_o dad just walked by and said "HEY! werent you grounded?" but if i AM really grounded... then... imma have to like... walk over to peoples houses er something o_o; i told mom that too XD when she said it i was like "okie... well then ILL WALK TO TREVORS! bweee" and she said i was grounded i cant go anywhere so theyd know where i was at all times o_O but technically they doooo know where i am... close to my cell phone X3 anyways... im all done with this and such... BAI!

Teh random dream of randomness

well it started with me being really tired, kenny noticed i was tired and watched tv with me, i fell asleep *mind yew this is all the dream* i woke up later and i was suppose to go to a concert thing, with ellie and trevor and amy, trevor was already at my house and ellie came over, and then amy was in shotgun and there was something loose or something and she couldnt fix it so i tried and i got it, and when i was about to go back to the backseat amy was already there, so i rode shotgun, trevor sat behind me, ellie drove and amy sat behind her, we got to green mountain, and trevor wandered off, so did ellie and amy, i was looking for ellie and amy when i found leah and laurel, i screamed and pounced on leah, then laurel tried taking her because laurel claimed leah was hers, after a bit trevor found me again, but ellie and amy were still no where to be found, (one of the really weird parts about green mountain was that it looked just like my house o_O;) i started getting really tired and layed on the floor of what was my dining room to sleep, i did fall asleep and started stirring in my sleep and trevor woke me up because he thought i couldnt sleep and we went back to the living room, where we found mitch, and he was iming lana on our scomputer, then we walked into the kitchen and lana was walking in the back door, we said hi to her and such and she showed us a cool toy, inwhich i broke and couldnt put back together, then we went back into the living room for the concert and trevor and i sat on the floor next to leah and i ended up falling asleep curled up in a ball, and thats about when i woke up o_O; yea... really weird dream... ah well imma go watch some tv x.x