Do the moonwalk!

I think I'm getting stuck in a rut. Or something. I'm not entirely sure what rut means. But it seems like it works.
I just havent felt in the mood to do much of anything lately.
Why do people even care? I mean there are people who know nothing more about me than my first name and they say they care. Why would they? They don't know me. I don't understand.
I've been really clingy lately. I want to just hug people to no end. I had Charlie sit on my lap at lunch because I was cold. He started petting my hair and for some weird reason when i put my head on his shoulder I just wanted to kiss him. Hormones much? But it felt good to get attention again.
Rayne held my hand for the first time today. Kinda shocked me.
Bryan tried to cheer me up during second. He ditched because he wasn't ready for speech class. When he realized I was depressed he hugged me and for once I hugged him back.
Speedy held me for awhile, and even glomped me this morning after Marty and Allison had hugged me and moved out of the way.


Random: I learned how to moonwalk in Photography Class today.
Jesse and I made a bet. If I can get out of his full chokehold type move within 10 minutes then I get an orange Faygo. I can't cheat and kick him in the groin. He can have people tickle me. If my back starts hurting, all bets are off and I get the Faygo, but I can't fake it. Cassie and Dani ref. And we're going to try to get a video of it, or atleast pictures.

Forget anything emotional I whine about this week. I'm full of PMSy goodness.

Best. Paint job. EVER.

Anyways, yesterday Dad and I went to ACE to get some paint for my room. Jacqi, possibly Marty and I are going to splatter paint around my room as a paint job ^_^.

After we got the paint, Dad dropped me off at the mall to meet up with Bryan, Steven and Misa. I got there before them and looked around in Borders and HotTopic. On the way to the food court to meet them, there were these really slow people walking infront of me. As soon as I got past them, they sped up ahead of me and started walking slow again when they were infront of me.

I found Misa, Steven, and Bryan in EBgames, and they introduced me to the girls they were with. Tiffany and Lauren. We walked around, went to Jillians to play some ait hockey, and I totally owned Misa. And looked around for a silver chain for Bryan to give to his mom. After awhile we found another one of Steven's friends. And from the mall we went to Bryan's house to play his Wii. We had to take three seperate cars to get there though. Because I was the "one too many". Lauren, Tiffany, Misa and I rode with Steven. Bryan called one of his friends to pick him up. And Mirini (Steven's friend) drove himself. Mirini had to follow us though, because he had no idea how to get to Bryan's. When we got there, Bryan and his friend were already playing the Wii. We played Bowling, tennis, baseball, and when we got around to Boxing it was about time for me to go home. Went home. Boredom. Had an odd conversation over text last night with Bryan.

TODAY! I painted my new room. Jacqi came over, and we splatters the colors of the rainbow onto the walls. Literally.

Eeeeyup. We got the paint on our noses when Jacqi went to kiss me to try to get paint on my nose, I dodged and put paint on her nose. She put paint up my nose and onto my glasses.

Such fun.

I don't even know how to flirt!

So, I went to the mall last night. Cassie dropped me off around 7. Unfortunatly, Steven, Misa, and Bryan weren't going to be there till around 8 thirty ish. I found Lauren in Hottopic and she offered to hang out with me while I waited for my friends. When she introduced me, Grant suddenly realized that "HEY! We went to school together in elementary school!" And asked if I remembered him. And I did, and he remembered the feildtrip with my mom. We walked around for awhile, found other people. Lost some people. Everyone decided to pick on Lauren and I tried helping her out. They kept putting all this stuff in her hair, it was mean. When we were in the food court she got mad and ran off. Everyone kinda followed and I just stayed. In about ten minutes Bryan, Misa, and Steven came around the corner and found me. We walked to RadioShack to buy Misa a phone charger. I helped pay for it since they seemed to be a bit low on cash. Bryan kept thinking I was depressed because I wasn't talking much, but I had gotten used to being quiet and ignored with the hour or so I spent with Lauren and her group of friends. We walked around for awhile doing some of Steven's christmas shopping, and eventualy ended up at Jillians. Where we played some games and I called Cassie to come pick me up. They waited outside with me for alittle bit then left, Cassie came about 5 minutes after they left.
Cassie and I went to her house for Scotty's birthday party. When we walked through the doors Cassie shouted "The minor is here!" and JenJen yelled from downstairs "Angie-boo!" JenJen and I played MarioKart64 while Dani and Cassie made dinner. Jen and Scott came over, a little later Erin and Kelsey came over. We all ate and played video games. Watched some TV and around midnight or so, Jesse came over. Put Cassie in a headlock. Put Jen in a headlock. Challenged me to 3 fights. None of them were taken out except for standing and getting ready to fight. We got distracted easily though. The entire time Jesse was there Cassie was trying to get me and him alone together. She succeeded and Jesse and I went downstairs to play pool. We both really sucked and cheated a lot but it was fun. Cassie came down after awhile and played with Jesse's DS, Kelsey came down and talked with us until he boyfriend came. Dani, Jen and Scott went into Dani's room. Jesse and I decided to play AirHockey. Which we both sucked at. Jesse threatened to put me in a headlock, and after circling around the table for awhile I fell to the floor and curled into a ball. Great defence isn't it? Well it actually worked. They felt sorry for me and left me alone. Jen and Scott played and I sat on the floor and texted Bryan. Jesse wanted to know what I was writing and tried stealing my phone. Jesse played DS. Kelsey's boyfriend got there and Kelsey and him went into "Jesse's room" Which is just the boiler room. Eventually Jesse left with Jen and Scott, Kelsey and her boyfriend left then and Cassie went to bed. Dani and I stayed up talking and I slept in her room. In the morning Cassie said I was flirting with Jesse. I don't even know how to flirt. How the hell do you flirt when you don't even know how to? Dani said people say she flirts like a guy. How the hell do guys flirt?

Oh damn. Let's make that illegal for girls to like me too.

So it turns out I shouldn't have been so paranoid about Bryan, although I still think he likes me.
Allison: She asked me out today. Honestly I didn't really see it coming until she started setting up for it. When lunch ended, I gave Marty, Misa, and Allison hugs and started walking towards photography. Allison wanted to walk with me. She tried holding my hand, which for any one else might have been a tip off right? Wrong, I hold hands with most of my friends. The day before we decided that I own Allison's boobs. And inturn I own all of Allison. So here's how it goes. She tries holding my hand, and I had to move Marty's sharpie to my other hand so she could. We started walking alittle and she kisses the back of my hand. Still, not all that odd consitering how most of my friends are. "So... I was thinking Angie, since you own my boobs. And basically me... Oh man this is making me nervous." This is when I figured out what she was trying to ask. She started again. "Since you own me... I was wondering if you'd like to own me... as a girlfriend too." I tried to let her down gently. Asked her if she knew the reason on why I broke up with Speedy. She said no and I explained that I just wasn't ready for a relationship. But if I had been, I would have most likely said yes. She did only break up with her boyfriend last week though. When she realized she loved Erik and not him. Pretty flattered though that she even asked me.
Speedy: We're still kinda close. We don't really talk anymore, but we still say Hey in the halls and hug eachother. But Marty tells me that Kara and him aren't dating. But Speedy has been asking her and been trying to kiss her. Turns out she has a boyfriend in Washington. Not sure how reliable this is, but it's something. Plus, it makes a lot of sense on why Kara was stressed out the other day and why Speedy has been so anxious to see Kara in the morning. All I can say is atleast he's moved on. And I'm perfectly fine as long as he's fine.
Bryan: I was expecting him out of anyone to ask me out first. I actually had a dream about him, Kara, Marty, and Rayne. I made out with all of them in my dream. It was really weird. Kara was a good kisser in my dream though. The rest I don't really remember all too well. I texted Bryan in the morning telling him of said dream. He said he had a dream that he and I were dating. And I killed him. Which made me laugh. When I told my dad about it, he looked at me and said that he didn't doubt it. I might see Misa, Steven, Bryan and some of Steven's friends at the mall tonight. If I'm not at Scotty's birthday party. I'll try to work out both. Nothing too special happened with Bryan and me today though. Maybe he won't ever ask me out ^_^
Doctors: I went to the doctors today half way through 2nd period. We drove up to Golden for this... Spine center thing. One of the people there was a frequent sub in the History hall and such. But I can't figure out his name. It wasn't Mr. Barker, or Mr. Owens.. It was some other guy... It's bugging me that I don't remember. Anyways. The doctor looked at my x-rays and we came to the conclusion that I'm going to be doing some physical therpy. For some odd months, and if my back doesn't get better then we'll do some more tests. That's all they told me though.
Andrew: So wait. Is it national ask Angie out day? It's weird enough to be asked out once, but twice? I'm still skeptical if he was kidding or not. He does have a girlfriend after all. I used to have a crush on him. I gave up on him asking me out a long time ago though. Kinda confusing. What would be even more confusing would be if Bryan would ask me out too.
Jesse: He thinks I'm hot. Oh dang. If he's at Scotty's birthday party then that's going to be alittle awkward.
Danny: He says he loves me. How long has he known me? A couple months? People are weird.

Now what the hell is up with all of this? When did I go from That-Girl-Angie to Fucking-Amazing-Angie? Or even Girlfriend-Material-Angie? My gosh. I don't get this at all.

It should be illegal

For any guy to like me as more than a friend.
The chance of Bryan having a crush on me increases with every moment I spend with him.
So I went to school today. I was sick yesterday. Bryan ditched his second to hang out with me. Ariel, Kelsey, David, and Johnny (some new kid from AZ) ditched too. The two hours before school started that I was at school, I went to Safeway with Sasha. Which was pretty cool since I haven't seen her much since she started going out with Laura. Somehow I ended up getting depressed, and walked most of the way back to school in silence, then sat in the corner alone. People came over. Speedy spotted me first. Bryan, Ariel, Allison, and Kelsey came later, amung some others. Bryan sat next to me and tried to cheer me up. But it was odd. He's look me straight in the eye with this confused face like he was trying to read my problems through my eyes. It was hard to look at him straight back in the eyes. After a couple seconds, I'd look down at the floor, or at someone else. He kept asking me what was wrong, and I'd ask him the same question without answering his. I refused to tell him until he told me why he always says his life sucks. I started changing things, and saying stuff like, "Why do you even care?" "Why do you want to know". His reply? "Because I do care." I told him that he lied. He kinda seemed hurt by that comment. But he's not sure if he believes that I care about him. Eventually he broke down and told me why his life sucks. He leaned in and spoke quietly like he didn't want others to hear. "I'm hollow." But see this is confusing. Because he's told me before that he doesn't like emotion, and he gets rid of it because he perfers numbness over pain. But he complains about being hollow. I don't get it. I told him he didn't have to be hollow. When I told him the only problems I really had were worrying about my friends and their problems. But seriously, that's most of my stress, I don't cause much drama if any. Later in second period he was like dead. Kelsey kissed him and he didn't move. Kelsey and I drew on his stomach and all he did was lay on the ground and stare at the ceiling. I moved his limbs and proped him up so he was sitting, but still he didn't move. He didn't resist. He was just limp. He stared right through me. I tried asking him what was wrong. I just tried talking to him. He didn't say much. After a bit, he said he was counting marks on the ceiling. So I layed him back down carefully and sat next to him. I still tried to talk to him, and he did crack a few smiles, but they seemed forced. He did get up sometime. I don't really remember when though.
Lunch, I walked around with Marty. Then we went back to a new corner. In the English/ACE hall. "AIDs" was in the cubby, so Misa and Bryan didn't want to go in. We settled under a Bagels poster. Bryan decided it should be the single's corner too since none of us had significant others. Except Misa. So it was the Bagel single's and Misa corner. Bryan sat there petting my hair while I layed down sharing Misa's backpack with Marty as a pillow. When Bryan left to cheer up Kelsey, Misa decided it should be the couple's corner. But Marty and I were without lovers. So Misa said "You and Marty are together now" I started laughing and said Hai to Marty. When Bryan came back he was kinda quiet. I stopped using Misa's backpack as a pillow because it hurt my neck. Misa poked me, then Bryan did. And my spasms and random noises cheered him up a little I guess, because he started talking again. We all planned to meet at DQ when we found out Marty didn't live too far from any of us.
Later in photography, I checked my phone for texts and found he had sent me one during second. "Lets go for a walk" Why didn't he just straight out say it? When I asked him that all he said was: "Because I'm complicated" . Wait, what? What does being complicated have anything to do with that?
After school I met Misa, Bryan, Steven, and Marty at DQ. (Which is going to be a DQ/Orange Julius soon) I walked Ducky there, and we hung out for awhile. Then we drove me home to drop off Ducky and we all went to Bryan's to play his Wii. Now, honestly, I didn't think it was going to be all that good. But man was I proved wrong. It was fun as hell. Especially when Marty got excited for doing well at bowling, jumped, and hit his head on a ceiling fan. Later he hit his head on Bryan's couch. We concluded that Bryan's house hates Marty. When Steven eventually had to take Marty and I home, we all had this odd hug war. Misa hugged me and Marty really fast. Then hugged me and Marty at the same time. Decided we needed to do a group hug. Apparently, Bryan and Steven are a bit homophobic and didn't want to hug other guys. Bryan seemed to only want to hug me, or Misa, seperately from Marty. We finally dragged him into the circle, and Steven too. There was a lot of squeezing, and with being one of the shortest, my neck was one of the things squeezed. Then we let go, Bryan hugged me seperately and we left. And that was the end of the hug war.
I went home, and later that night I got more texts from Bryan. He asked why humans, especially girls are so confusing. How do you answer something like that?
I don't know what to think anymore. I wonder why Bryan wanted to go on that walk...

What? Nooooooooo...

News:
I stayed home sick today, not really feeling well still. But I'm going to school tomorrow.
My friend Danny is okay. And I almost cried I was so happy.
I think Bryan has a crush on me.
-He's actings all weird.
-He says he's looking forward to seeing me
-I asked him if there was anything I could do to cheer him up, and he said maybe. When I asked him what he was thinking he said he'd tell me tomorrow when he saw me.

Ahhhhh hell.

I feel kinda bad for not feeling so bad.

If that makes any sense. So one of my good friends, Danny, may or may not have a concussion. Yesterday he hit his head really had and didn't want to go to the doctors to get it checked out. Later, one of his friends gave him such a boost of confidence by giving him the fear of dying in his sleep because of his recent head injury. I ended up staying up most of the night with him. Mostly because I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, and because he needed comforting. Around... 2ish I think, my eyes started to burn. I couldn't focus on anything, and eventually I had to leave him. I cried a lot last night just worrying about him. He said that he took some asprin, forgetting that it messes with him because of his heart disease. I'm scared. I couldn't sleep at all last night, but laid in this daze, some very cold daze. In the morning I was so cold my teeth were chattering, my stomach felt like it was eatting itself or something. Needless to say I just didn't feel well. I went to school anyways. I however, did not eat breakfast. I did not eat dinner last night. I did not eat lunch today or yesterday. I neglected to take my pill last night and this morning. I got to school, and tried to cover up that I was obviously not okay. I almost started crying even before first period started. Bryan (turns out I was spelling his name wrong.) had been texting me while i was going through all this worrying and was trying to help. He even gave me a hug. Which still shocks me. I had no idea how to react and just kinda stood there as he hugged me. Then Kelsey about tackled him for a hug because she's upset that Matt now acts as if she's invisible. The bell rang and I dashed off without anyone noticing. I found Jacqi and Caitlin on the way to first period and I hugged them tight. In first period, I ended up crying while we watched a movie about cells. I was surprized beyond reason that I was as awake as I was consitering the amount of food and sleep I was going off of. Second period went over so much more nicely. Kelsey and Ariel ditched and sat with me. Charlie ended up ditching too, and sat with us too. They all made me laugh and got my mind off of things. I stole Charlie's necklace, which I still have. Nothing special about Third period. Fourth period I laid on Misa, and Leah laid on me and we watched a movie. Fifth nothing special happened. Lunch, Jacqi took me off to another Cubby to talk. She may move to Kentucky. I vented, She vented. She told me about her dream. Marty came and summoned us to the other Cubby. I met Johnny. I think that's his name anyways. He's a new kid from AZ. When the bell rang, everyone still left in the Cubby hugged me except Johnny. And people fought over who was going to hug me next. That made me feel really good. Honestly, no sarcasm there. Or there. Sixth, nothing special happened, or in seventh. TAU.

TAU gets it's own paragraph break. We played a game. We split up and went into different rooms, and each group got their own culture rules. My group had these rules:
'Hello' was replaced with 'Tomato'
'Goodbye' was replaced with 'Olive'
We didn't wear shoes.
We were very affectionate and needed to pet other people. So we were constantly being pet, or had someone playing with our hair.
A wink was one of the greatest complaiments ever.
Nodding was the equivilant of flipping someone off.
We had to say 'The end' at the end of whatever we said. (Ex: Tomato, how are you my Sasha-girl? The end.)
We also had to refer to people as if we owned them. Putting 'my' infront of their name, like the above example.
That was the ways of our culture, and I liked it. I love when people play with my hair. When Laurel and Caitlin played with my hair I kept leaning into their hand like cats do.
After getting used to the ways of our culture, we would switch one or two people with the other room and the ones that left had to react with their culture and whoever they sent over had to react to our culture.
Laurel was the first to go and so I went over to Charlie to pet him, and whenever my arm got tired I'd stop and he'd start petting me.
Eventually Charlie and I were chosen to go over to the other culture. The other culture was very anti social. They played with cards, and Charlie and I did our best to figure out what the hand guestures and such meant. This is what I observed and found out:
Looking anyone in the eye was taboo. So was talking, and smiling.
One stomp meant Hello.
Two stomps meant Goodbye.
How many times they hit themselves was the value of the card they wanted.
If you clapped your hands that meant you didn't have the card.
If you turned around it meant to start over.
If you jumped up and down it ment to start over too, I think.
And whenever someone disobeyed the rules you'd gasp and point at them and move away.
Also if you got four of the same number cards you could look people in the eyes and such.
I found out all except the jumping, turning, and the last one.
People liked the culture I was apart of better, because it was more welcoming. As soon as people came in we'd say Tomato and flock over to them to pet them. It was fun.
When it was all over, we all discussed it, and all through the discussion Charlie kept petting me ^_^ which I had no arguments against.

After TAU, I went over to Jacqis. Layn, Kenton, Becca, Josh, and Dylan were there.
Oh gosh. Ew. I just started coughing really hard and had to run to the bathroom to throw up. Ick. I think I'm getting sick. Mom and I just decided to take me off Naproxen. Erg. I don't feel good. I doubt I'll finish this later, but this is enough.

Self esteem boost?

So the other day one of Cassie and Dani's friends came over to help Cassie move her stuff. His name was Jesse. Well. He happens to be a Juggalo too, and I whooped at him. He's pretty funny and stuff. Well he asked Cassie how old I was. To see if I was legal. Turns out he thought I was hot or something. Weird. Some guy that went to highschool with my sister consitered going out with me. Ironic thing is that Cassie and Dani had crushes on him.

Other stuff. So much drama lately.
Kelsey dumped Matt without even exceeding a week of a relationship. All because she has a crush on Drw. I can tell that's never going to work.
Speedy keeps trying.
Allison's depressed because she realized that she doesn't love her boyfriend. But instead she loves Erik. Who doesn't love Erik. He's just awsome. And he doesn't get mad at me for telling him to go to class, even when school's out.
Allison has to come to terms with her dark past and tell her parents.
Allison has lost her best friend.
Caitlin moved in with Jacqi because she could not see eye to eye with her parents. However, she seems happier than ever now.
I think Speedy's mad at me. He was next to me during lunch. Then randomly he kicked the lockers and scampered off.
Scott is still ticking me off.
Sasha is going out with Laura. I don't like it. And I'm irrationally mad at her. Sadly, it shows and she keeps asking what's wrong. Even Leah and James know that somethings wrong. No one knows though. Except everyone who reads my blog..
I miss Ellie, Jesus, Jared, Joe and Ben.
Becca's moving.
Bryan is feeling crappy, for some reason that he can't tell me.
Ariel crushed Bryan.
Chelsea wants to talk to Danny. Which will destroy his spirits once again. None of us will allow her to talk to him.
I'm worrying people like Lana. Jacqi. Caitlin.

Everything got to me. I ended up crying in the darkroom today.
The ups and downs of HighSchool.

I miss having a best friend.

I was looking through some pictures that I used to have on my old phone. You know, when I had a picture phone. A lot of them were when Chelsea and I were still best friends. Ever since she got a car she hasn't talked to me. Walkng around the block to see me just isn't as fun as it used to be, now that she can drive to other friends houses. Other friends who are regretibly more interesting than me apparently. I miss having one person to share everything with. I miss having someone to rush to when I had news. I miss having a best friend. I'm starting to think that's all I really wanted out of a relationship. A best friend.

Brian wants a hug? What has the world come to!?

First of all. I'm kinda ticked at Scott. Yes, Scott, that one really skinny kid who somehow absorbed into the group randomly in 8th grade. You know who I'm talking about right? Atleast Ellie knows. Anyways. He's in my biology class. First class of the day you know, not the best with me. Scott can be kind of annoying, yes. But tolerable. Well, we're doing microscope stuff. So were in groups and stuff. Ariel, Tyler, Scott and me. Tyler, being the nice guy he is, gets up to get us all cover sheets and slides. While hes collecting said things, Scott shakes up his soda. I called him mean. Later in the period, he starts unplugging my microscope, while I'm using it to make a drawing. Haha yea, funny maybe if I had been in a better mood. And maybe if his defence was that he needed something to do. Stab yourself in the fucking leg if you need something to do. Just leave me alone. I would have kicked him if Mr. Dewey wouldn't have been behind me. Later. He starts shooting water at Ariel and I with the droppers. He thinks he's being funny. But I wanted to make him bleed. I am definitly not a morning person, and with all my issues lately, it's not smart to act like Scott did.

Second. It'd be so much easier to convince Speedy that I'm not a good person, if I did more mean things. Sadly, I happen to not be a very aggressive person or anything. It's hard to convince someone they should look for someone better without depressing them. I've learned this twice now. And after awhile people get annoyed of my being pestimestic.

Third. I helped Cassie move some more stuff out of the house. If I haven't mentioned yet, Cassie's moving out. She got a house with Dani and Scotty. Anyways. Her sidewalk to her house is all icy and I was all afriad of falling. And it happens all the light stuff, is super fragile. Gee. Leave it to Angie to carry in the breakables. Luckily I didn't break anything. But I also didn't get a promised breakfast burrito out of the deal.

But I did go to the mall. I walked around for about a half hour before I sat down and played on my gameboy and waited for Misa, Steven and whoever else. Whoever else turned out to just be Brian. The kid I stole the soul from. And he keeps on calling me Soul Stealer. He wanted to make a better name when he found out that he and I have both had heart surgery. But the only thing he could come up with was Heartless Soul Stealer. But even he thought that sounded way too mean. Anyways. Steven and Misa clung to eachother in that way that couples often do, that makes them so cute you just want to shoot them. I expressed this feeling of wanting to shoot them, and Brian gave me a highfive. There was much hanging out. More laughing. Much video game playing. It was fun. We hung out in Target till about 9:10 where my mom called and told me to go by Jillians to be picked up. I begged Misa, Steven, and Brian to wait with me so I wouldn't be lonely. They did. When my mom came up, I got in the car. Over Misa's oozing over Ducky, I heard Brian say something like, "Well fine, don't give me a hug." This is confusing. Mostly because Brian doesn't like hugs. He doesn't like clinging. And he bribed me with Rolos to NOT hug him. So I don't know. He's hugged me once. It was kinda odd.

Last. I had a freaky dream last night, which is exactly what makes me not want to sleep now. I haven't had nightmares for years, up until last night. It was weird. Cassie and Chelsea got to be best friends, and they both wanted to kill me. So they hired Speedy to take care of the job. I was running trying to find a place to hide. I found some shack. Locked the doors. And died of starvation. They never found me to kill me.

You could do so much better.

He asked me back out last night. My mind had not changed from the hours that I dumped him to the time he asked me. He doesn't understand. And I can't explain. But interesting thing. Yesterday when we were dropping him off at KingSoopers, he was talking with one of his co-workers. His co-worker asked if I was his girlfriend. He said "Yea... Well... Ex as of today." His co-worker tells him that I look too much like a guy and that he can do so much better. This made Speedy angry, but I can't say I disagree with him. He can do better. And I told him so, but it leaded to the old repeditive conversation.
"You can do better"
"No."
"Yes, you can. There are plenty of better people than me."
"Yea, but I don't want them."
"So you're settling for me."
"I didn't mean it like that!"
Etc.

And Speedy gave me christmas presents today. Man, do I feel guilty.

Soooo...

Suddenly all those break up lines make sense. I broke up with Speedy today. And it's true, I used one of those old lines that everyone knows by heart. I really am not ready for a relationship right now. I don't know when I will be ready, but it doesn't really matter. But. Atleast I told him in person. Unlike some people.. *cough* I got up the courage and told him that I'm not ready for a relationship in person during lunch. I was pretty scared I was going to lose another friend. I was afriad that he'd be really upset. But he ended up taking it very well. Of course I had to repeat myself because he didn't understand the first time I said it. It just makes it that much harder when you have to repeat it and hear yourself say it all over again. I told him at the beginning of lunch, although I took a couple minutes and some deep breaths to say it. He said he understood, and that it wasn't the first time he had heard that line. I assured him I was being truthful, and it wasn't some claim to get rid of him. He said he wasn't happy with it, but he wasn't depressed, but he wasn't not sad. He mumbled something to the effect that I might have to worry about him. I made him promise not to hurt himself in any way. There was a bit of awkward silence, or atleast it was awkward for me. Then Chelsie dragged us to the Cubby. Speedy lived up to his name, and I had to quicken my steps and take bigger steps to keep up. When we got there, Misa stormed out. Speedy went to see what was wrong with her and I didn't see him for the rest of lunch. I thought maybe he had gone off to deal with stuff in his own way. I guess I was right, Fuji asked me what was wrong with him because he was walking all over the commons really fast. When lunch ended I walked quickly to my locker. It seems he followed me, which was an action I really didn't expect. While waiting for John (the kid who has the locker below me) and his girlfriend to move so I could get to my locker. More awkward silence in the waiting time. Seconds felt more like hours. Speedy didn't look too happy, not like I expected him to look happy though. I gave him a hug, and I think we're okay. He hugged me back and walked me to English. I gave him another hug before I left him. I don't think he was expecting either hug. I seemed to had stopped him right before he was about to rush off. Hour and a half of English. After English he was waiting outside my classroom. Another action I didn't expect. I gave him another hug. (Man, Am I full of hugs or what?) And he asked if I could give him a ride to KingSoopers and to his own home. I said sure, and we walked to my locker. We talked but I don't remember what we talked about. I was still in shock he was still willing to wait for me to get out of class, let alone talk to me. Mom was happy to give him a ride because we needed to pick up some stuff from the store anyways. When we got into KingSoopers, I gave him yet another hug before he scampered off. He squeezed me tightly and whispered that he still loved me. I had no idea how to reply to that. All I could think of doing was hugging him tighter. I had to say "Okay.." before he let go and ran off.
I can't help feeling bad. But he'll realize how good he is and find someone oh so much better than me. But I know I wasn't making him feel loved enough. Straight from him, in nicer words. I pestered him until he told me what faults he found in me. All which simply meant I didn't show my love enough. Didn't show that I cared enough. Sound familar? Its one of the reasons Trevor dumped me. I didn't want to hurt Speedy with that. Contridictive, I know. Dumping someone not to hurt them. Sound familar? Its what Trevor said to me. The excuses make more sense now. But there's a lot of differences. Such as, it seems Speedy cares more about not losing me. etc.
So, I'm single again. By choice. And I'll be staying that way until I sort out my mind. Which'll probably take a lot more time than it seems it would.

OH GOD! MY BACK!

That happened to be a key phrase for me today. Up and down my ribs in the back on the right side hurts like hell, and has hurt all day. I never realized how hard people hug me until now. That and how many people love to poke my sides. Josh did so today and I almost cried from pain. And I didn't take the Naproxin because it makes my stomach feel sickly. Around second period I wished I would have taken that pill. It was not happy... I haven't been very social today. Reasons. Eh. Not feeling well. Back pain, emotional pain, stress. Whatever. I got all manic depressive last night, also not happy.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I could so pass for a guy...

If it weren't for my boobs.
So Cassie's moving out. I'm kinda between feelings on that one. Its going to be great getting her room and stuff, but I am going to miss her. She's moving this week. I think. So I get to start packing up my room and bringing it into her room when she gets all of her stuff moved. Packing up my room is going to be hard. I love how my room is now. A lot of my stuff won't fit into Cassie's room so Mom says some of it is going to go into the downstairs living room. The computer in the upstairs living room is going to go into my room when I move into Cassie's. I'm never going to be able to find my stuff once I move it all.
Thinking a lot...
Today went to school for periods 1 and 2 and half of third. I went home because the pills I'm on make my stomach kinda sickly. So I went to the clinic and called home. Dad didn't know he had to sign me out and he waited in the parking lot for about a half hour. I got home, stripped off most of my shirt layers in the living room and went to bed. Watched Fivel Goes West, and slept alittle. When I got up Justin took me back to school because I was feeling better. Went to photography and english. Turns out I missed the easiest class ever in French. We had a sub with a hook for an arm or something. All we did was play tic-tac-toe and watch the rest of Toy Story. That's about all that's happening lately.

Nothing makes you more paranoid...

Than being in a hospital with a cemetary across the street.
That's right. This morning I went to Luthern Hospital. I've got the medical bracelet to prove such. My mom and I got to the hospital all so much easier than we did last time. Bad part was the room we went to last time for X-Rays was locked. Mom wasn't sure if we were in the right place, but Imaging Center seems right for X-Rays right? Well anyways, we wandered around empty hallways for about 20 minutes before going into another building to ask for help. We went to the Raditation Onology Center or something like that, but the parking spots that we could find were reserved for people with permits. We parked there anyways. We went in some doors, came to some desk and asked where we were suppose to be. She told us to follow the yellow dots on the floor to where we are suppose to be. So we did. We must have looked like idiots looking so intently at yellow dots on the floor. After a couple dots the glare on the floor made it look like the dots stopped and we started to panic. "WHAT!? The dots! Oh wait... They keep going!" We definitly got some funny looks. We asked the desk at the end of the yellow dots if thats really where we need to be. It was. Some lady took us back to her cubicle, and man did she type fast. She filled out forms and gave me a medical bracelet. Then she told us to follow the yellow dots back to where we started. So we did, a little less idiotically though. Except that we kept giggling, and half way through we ran out of the doors to move our car so it wouldn't be towed or ticketed. We walked fast back to the building, and in the parking lot was a car with a fake tiger tail coming out of the trunk. That was odd and funny, and very random. We got back to the building and made it back to the desk we started at. Mom tried to remember the other doctor's name that's suppose to look at the X-Rays too, but she couldn't remember. We went to the waiting room and mom said I couldn't go onto the computer in the waiting room, and I whined. Mom let me use her iPod, but before I could get the headphones untangled the X-Ray guy came. His name was Craig. He led us to a room and hanged me some pants to put on. Very confusing pants. After trying to put them on two different ways I realized they were inside out, but I still couldnt figure out which side was the front. So I just put the tie in the front. When I got out, I handed my pants shoes and sweater to my mom. Then Craig led us to the X-Ray room. Mom stood in another room and I layed on a table. Craig asked me questions like when my last period was. and if there was any chance if I was pregnant. Of course, the only chance I have of being pregnant is if abstanence really doesn't work. Then he adjusted my body for the X-Rays. Moved the table and felt my sides for my hip bones. He told me to lay still and to hold my breath. Now breathe. Still. Hold your breath. Okay Breathe. He took about 5 X-Rays. Each time readjusting me and the table. Lying on my back hurt. When we were done Craig led us back to the room where I changed and I gladly took my own clothes back from my mom. I missed my pants. While I was changing back into my own pants, I saw a sign on the wall. "All ties on robes go in the back." So it turns out I had been wearing the pants backwards. Oh well. We left the hospital and went to KingSoopers. There we got brownies, starbucks and cirgarettes. Then off to home. Then I spent hours making plans, and ended up going to the mall with Laura M. and Mariah. We ran into a lot of people. Including Matt, and Phillip. I havent seen Phillip in so long. As soon as i saw him I called out his name. He looked confused for a minute then exclaimed, "SHORTY!" Which happened to be the only name he ever called me. He used to be one of my friends in math. He was a junior in my algebra class. First day I was transferred into Mr. Anderson's class we made friends. Turns out he's starting to work at the Mill's theatre. Maybe I'll see him more often. It was nice hearing his voice again. After the mall, Laura and I went to Mariah's house to watch movies. For the first hour or so we didn't watch a movie. I ate three grilled cheese sandwichs because the only thing I had eatten that day was a toaster struddle (to take with my pill) and some brownies. We eventually watched Hercules. Mom picked me up around nine. And here I am an hour later writting this.

One more thing I'd like to mention. My dreams lately have been so weird. The other night I had a weird one. All I really remember was I was talking with Trevor. I got so frustrated with him and his reasons for dumping me that I just started screaming. I fell to my knees and I just screamed. And that's all I remember. Just screaming. I woke up with a sore throat. Then I realized I had a charlie horse. It hurt so bad that I started crying. When the pain started to go down I finally went back to sleep.
Last night I had a weird dream too. Only this one had a lot of kissing in it. I was at a school play. I had come with Misa but I lost her. The only other person I knew that was around was Ariel A. So I went to hang out with her during the play. Where we originally decided to sit teachers didn't like us there and made us move. So we sat on some risers, but about halfway through the play I got uncomfortable and I stood on one of the poles on the back and rested my head on the riser. Well I started resting my head on Ariel's shoulder, after awhile she started nibbling on my ear and I tried to ignore it. After awhile she moved to my neck. I kissed her and tried to go back to watching the play. Then I felt someone tugging at my jacket. (For some reason I was wearing my Dad's purple jacket.) So, I feel my jacket being tugged. And there Ben is. (Not Ben Ben. But Ben that's in my American History class. He's currently going out with Beth.) Ben is tugging at my jacket and finally he gets it off me, and tries to keep it from me. We start fighting over it and while I have a grip on it he pulls me closer and tries to kiss me, but I back away. He says that he'll only let me have my jacket back if I kiss him. So I did. Then Ariel comes up to me and kisses me too. Then Danny comes out of nowhere and pulls Ariel off me and pulls me outside. He hugged me then kissed me too. Then I woke up.

Eeeeyup.

I miss my long hair.

As many of you know, around the middle of last year I stopped liking my long hair and chopped most of it off. Well now its the shortest I've ever cut it. I've come to realize that hair is a lot more annoying when short than when its long. I kinda wish I could have a time lapse on my hair growth and go back to shoulder length hair. I've also realized that my mom was lying when she said my hair style was my desision. She didn't want me to cut it shorter. When she left for the store, Laurie cut it shorter anyways. I hate my hair. If I could I'd shave it all off and start over again. Hell. I would so go for a mohawk and some bangs. But of course, mom would object. Whatever. I guess I'll live with it until I can have it long and straight again. But it is interesting, the looks I get when I have short hair, and the comments made.

Sasha got her cut not too long ago too. Hers used to be about halfway down her back, and now its about as short as mine now. Well except for in the back, hers is longer than mine. So, anyways. Sasha and I walk down the halls holding hands quite frequently. I've gotten the strangest looks from people. Almost like they're in disgust. Infact, Trevor gave me and odd look the other day when I was walking with Sasha. Oh well. I get even weirder looks when I kiss her. I mean we're not dating. Although I probably would date her.

I almost flipped out on this girl in my math class the other day. She's nice and all yea, but kinda closed minded. Steven was hugging Anthony and the girl says, " Ewww. Stop it! Fags! You're going to make me puke!" Fags. Even just the word sounds bad. I'm sick of people saying "Oh that's gay." Gay is not suppose to be a negitive adjective. "OH! That's heterosexual!" Wtf. Double standard much? Alls fair in love and war. That is of course, if you don't love someone that's the same gender as you. Then there are those people that say "Oh, it's just a phase." People don't say that if their kid is straight. It's not something you can catch. It's not some sort of disease. It's a feeling. A way of being. Erg.

So. People have been ticking me off a lot lately. Maybe because I'm PMSing. But who can blame me? First day of break and I'm on my stupid period.
Top it off. I went to the doctor's today for my back. The doctor didn't even remember me coming in before for my back. They put me on this medication. I don't remember what it's called, but they put my dad on it too. They want to have more tests. They wanted to have an MRI but insurance wouldn't approve it. Saying that it'll just go away by itself. Well I hoped it would. But it's almost been a year. They gave me a packet on stuff to help with my back pain. Not sitting or standing in one spot for too long. Oh great, what does that apply to? Computer and school.

This all kinda sucks.

How could you do such a thing, Justice League?

For those of you that didn't see, or just don't know, my school was valdelized over the weekend. I saw what was written on the outside walls of the school this morning. Instead of feeling hurt that someone would lash out at our school, (mostly because, let's face it, GM has quite a few enemies) it made me laugh. What was written on the wall was in red and blue spray-paint, "Justice League Strikes" and had various names of the members of the Justice League, such as Superman. I wish I would have brought my camera today, just to get that shot. By lunch all the graffeti had been painted over, well, all except what was on the marble sign. I'm not sure how they're going to clean that up. Of all days to not bring my camera..

In other news, I'm surprized I'm even awake right now. I didn't get much sleep. Around three and a half hours of sleep actually. Last night, I called Kyle's cell phone. After trying to call his house every day this week and having no luck. Well, I didn't get through but I did leave a message. Around 11:30 when I was about to fall asleep, my cell phone rings, and guess who? Kyle. I knew I needed sleep, but I havent talked to him in so long I didn't want to just hang up. So I talked to him until around 3am. I don't even remember a lot of what was said, all I really remember was crying. The stress I've been dealing with lately finally decided to let itself out. Course I would've liked if it picked a better time than when I'm on the phone with an old friend.

But today, despite I didn't get much sleep, I was hyper. And giggily. I couldn't stop laughing today. At one point David threatened the orange Intel man keychain I have on my backpack. He said something like, "I'll kill you! You... You. . . MAN!" And out of nowhere I say "MAN FLUFF!" David, Katie and I couldn't stop laughing.

So.. I've been realizing lately, that I've lost a lot of my friends. Some I used to talk to daily, hang out on weekends with, call over the summer, and they're just never where I am anymore. I stopped trying with some, realizing all I really was was a burden. I'm not as good with helping people as I once was. And with the friends I have left, most of them don't get along with my other friends. I'm constantly trying to be the peacemaker, constantly stuck in the middle and I'm sick of it. I'm not going to force them to like eachother, but they need to atleast stop talking bad about them to me. Of all people, me. Erg. People just suck sometimes.

I'm under arrest because I'm a penguin!?

So, here I am at my aunt's house. I orginally came up to help out with twin duty, but now I'm spending the night. So here's how my day went. I woke up once at 7:40 freaking out because I had forgotten it's the weekend. After a couple minutes I realized it was Saturday and went back to sleep. Mom woke me up at 8:30 and I got dressed and such to come up to my aunt's house. On the way up we listened so a bunch of music off my mom's iPod and we stopped by Burrito Express to get me a breakfast burrito. ^___^ When we got here the twins were already here. I got tired quickly and fell asleep on the couch, despite Samantha jumping on me and Riley licking me. Andrew has grown pretty fond of me. He kept holding my hand and leading me around. Whenever I sat down he'd want to sit in my lap. And when I took a nap with them upstairs he slept right next to me. I kept getting annoyed at Samantha though. She doesn't like to follow directions at all. I had to threaten her with time outs often. She got mad at me and hid behind a chair. Thw twins decided to call me a penguin. Then put me underarrest, because I wouldn't play London Bridges. We all played some Echo on good ol' Sega. I used to play that game all the time with my sister. Infact. We'd play it in the very room I'm in right now, back when my aunts house was about a forth of the size that it is now. It used to be an old school house. Bell and everything. Once, when Cassie and I were sleeping up here, in the middle of the night, the bell saddle fell on my head. My aunt had taken it down and put it in the same room as us. It hurt like hell when it fell on me though. I have a dent in my ear from it too. Uhm.. I'm pretty much bored. No one is online that I can tell. I can't get on my own AIM. All I have is AOL, and I'm trying to remember my friends screen names. I could only think of four. And none of them are online. I get this really old version of MSN. On the other computer I have Yahoo. But it sucks. And on the other computer I can't get onto MSN.
Also. My aunt and uncle both asked me if I had lost weight. Wait what? Me? Lose weight? I think not. The other day I weighed myself and I was 160. Now who would believe that? Apparently no one. But that's what the scale said. At the start of the year I was 130 or maybe it was 40, I don't really remember. I don't know how it looks like I've lost weight. I guess I'm magic like that.
Borrrreeeedddd...I'm thinking about just calling some people.

A visiter? Bearing gifts?

So today I stayed home sick. Cassies been sick lately, and I've been feeling a bit under the weather also. I spent half the day reading, then I watched some TV and read, got online for a bit. Justin came over for a bit, and Cassie went to work. I didn't really expect anyone to come over, unless it was Caitlin and Jacqi, for they have a car. Instead Speedy came over. Which suprized me. Probably surprized him that I was still in my PJ's at 6:45 at night. And he gave me stuff. A magnet for my locker and a necklace. I feel kinda guilty. He gave me another necklace on monday. I don't really have anything to give him in return. Ehhh...
I want some chocolate.

How to detirmine that your film hates you with an extreme passion.

How to tell that your film hates you with an extreme passion:
It hides from you and forces you to take another roll of film which will not work for the project.
When you do get film that fits the assignment, it gets exposed in a cracked canester only moments before developing.
When you get new film, it decides to run off, along with your favorite sweater you could have sworn you had tightly secured around your waist.
When you finally shoot another roll of film, it takes forever to reel, preventing you from developing the same day.

This past week and such has not been a good week for me a film. All of those have happened to me.
And honestly, since everythings starting to end up as some massive blur, I'm starting to wonder if this isn't all just a dream. Yea, yea, I know, "Pinch yourself," but I've had dreams hurt before, or were they really dreams? And people keep telling me its not a dream, but it really could just be a dream, and in my dream they're telling me its not a dream. "Well if it was a dream then were having the same dream", Not necessaryly, I could just be a part of your subconscience too.
Confusing? I think so. Yet it makes perfect sense to myself.

Drama drama and more drama. And I'm not just talking about the play Stage Door that was playing at school. My friends have been getting into way too much drama. Almost all of it is based around people feeling inferior, or 'threatened'. I've heard that a lot. I wish I could be more like David and just say "Fuck it all". But I can't. And you know why? I keep people sane. Atleast some of them I do. Why would I keep anyone sane? My mind doesn't even make sense to me most of the time. Ugh. People are odd.

Let me beat you to the punch.

Lotta stuffs been going on lately. Since I haven't posted in like... a week.. and a day. o_o; Has anyone noticed my blog posts are slowly detiriating into lists? I am. And Imma keep on going on it too. LIST:
Here's me as a wench:
YAY!
I got mad at Speedy.
He claimed to be a non-smoker then when we were at Jacqi's he took a drag of Jacqi's cigarette.
So I was ticked, I didn't talk to him.
I pushed him into a wall when he tried to hug me, and in general I was very unpleasent.
I cried.
He cried.
Rumors started that he and I broke up.
I corrected such rumors.
We talked it out, kinda.
You see, he says that it shouldn't be a big deal because he didn't inhael. What the hell is the point if you don't inhael? Someone please tell me that. All Cassie and I could come up with was to try to look cool. Which doesn't make sense in the case of Speedy, but whatever.
I realized I kiss more girls at school than I have ever kissed guys.
I kissed Sasha today and Missa spazed because apparently she had a dream that Sasha and I were making out. Which reminds me. Sasha claimed me as her wife on Halloween if I didn't mention that before.
Caitlin and Jacqi got into a fight. They're better now.
More rumors started about me and Speedy breaking up. This time I think it was started by Kelsey. Simply because he was upset and I was upset this morning. All is resolved though, I think.. I'm still a little peeved about the cigarette thing. It's all just because he smoked. But he lied. Then he said he only did that because he thought I was still in the bathroom. I still don't know how the two relate with how he tells his story.
I saw the play, I saw Ben and Jared there.
A couple years ago, or maybe it was just a year. Anyways. I went to the mall with Lana and Kelly. While waiting to go home we saw this random kid standing alone. So we made friends with him. While talking to him, I zoned out and thought "Man, hes shoes are too plain." So, I asked him if i could write on his shoe. He was confused at first, but agreed. I wrote "Angie's shoe" on one of the shoes. Lana wrote "Lana's shoe" on the other shoe. Kelly grabbed the sharpie and signed his arm. Then the kid took the sharpie, and signed my shoe. Before I noticed, he was writing his number on the other shoe, which confused me a lot. We soon scampered off to meet my mom so she could take us home. I tried calling him a couple times, but I never got ahold of him and eventually gave up. Well, the significance of this story, is that I've found this kid. He goes to school with me now. And recently he's been hanging in the corner with us. His name is Matt. When I saw him I could have sworn I'd seen him before. And I was right. I asked him very randomly today. "Hey, have you ever gone to the mall and had some totally random girls sign your shoes?" He replied yes, and I spazzed, "THAT WAS MEEE!" I got his cell phone number. It's on my arm right now. And he apologized for white-outing his shoes with the names on them. And this is him:
Leah, Missa and I have worked SO hard this week on our American History assignment. We made a movie. You should have seen how much we messed up, only to have wasted two hours. One of the times was so amusing though. Missa was reading her part, and she was suppose to read a poem, instead, she pauses. We wait. She realizes what she did, smacks her own head and Leah exclaimed "Missa! You're suppose to read the damn poem!" We finally got it done though. It was funny. After we got all the way through we waited for Steven to turn off the camera. Right after he hit the button we all yelled in excitment.
I made Laurel cry with a staring contest.
I think I'm done with updates. Bwee!
Random pictures:
speedy and me
caitlin and me
betty
me in photography
katie being a pirate
my third favorite cripple kid
jiggaboo
colby
kenton, tashi, and my wife
kenton, jacqi
kenton and betty and josh in the back

becca

HAPPY HALLOWEEN and otherwise.

So yesterday was Halloween. Course it was awsome, but not awsomely awsome like I hoped the awsome would be. At TAU Sasha claimed me as her wife. We had debates. And I kept getting fake blood on everyone. After TAU I went to Jacqi's house with Caitlin. Danica, Mattie, Jay, and Jacqi were already there when we got there. We all played Life. During the game, we got on the subject of Speedy. Caitlin said to Mattie "OH MY GOD! Guess who Victor is dating!" Of course Mattie didn't know. When he asked who, Caitlin looked at me and I raised my hand and said "Me!" while in the process of eatting chips. Mattie laughed and said, "Well that proves that wehe has atleast one straight bone in his body." When the game started to get boring I tickled Caitlin, she tickled me. One good thing about the skirt I was wearing for my wench costume: No matter how much I kicked and thrashed from being tickled, I never flashed my panties ^_^ But one of the times that Caitlin tickled me, I jumped back and hit the washer and dryer. My back hurts majorly from it. Last night when I got home we got a total of five trick-or-treaters. All of which go to school with me. Sad or what? And I cried. Danny was talking about dying this friday, not happy at all. I can't really do anything either. Even more unhappy. I didn't really talk much today because of that. He also said some other stuff last night that I don't think I'll forget. At lunch I didn't really do much but sit quietly. Sasha and Speedy hugged me. Jacqi sat on my lap. Betty offered to laugh, because his laugh makes me laugh. When english class came around, Rayne took one look at me and said, "Wow, you look like shit. What's wrong?" later she apologized for saying I looked like shit. She walked me to the car after class ended.
Playing Quarters with Cassie is fun.
So Cassie's goal for the night was to drink the rest of her and Ashley's Vanilla Vodka. So she tells me to get some shotglasses from her shotglass checkers set, and that I'm going to do shots with her. So I grab the only soda I can stand: Mountain Dew, and we fill the shot glasses and start playing Quarters. Sad part is that Mom and I know how to play whereas Cassie didn't. I really suck at Quarters though. After awhile I'd just drop them into her shot glass. The first shot I took, well... I accidently drank the quarter. I started laughing when mom said, "Wow, that never happened with booze." and Mountain Dew came out my nose. Cassie says I need to practice if I'm ever going to get her drunk. She says she's going to give me a horrible caffine high and she's going to be completely sober. But Cassie's close to being drunk. She stumbled up the stairs and stopped in the middle to do what she said was "Tiss her Titty", which really means Kiss her Kitty.
and for those of you that don't know
Quarters:
You bounce quarters on the table to get them into a shotglass. When played with two people, if you get a quarter in, the other person had to drink the shot. With more than two people, the one who gets the quarter in chooses who drinks the shot. It's actually a really fun game. Especially when your sister is tipsy.

Pwnd

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Nothing new to report mood wise. I have food though, and food makes me happy.
And to Joe who is sick with strep.

GET WELL SOON!
the end.

Not that I'm planning to have sex anyways.

badkiwi no jutsu (9:37:40 PM): That's cool.
badkiwi no jutsu (9:38:01 PM): Use protection.
AlegnaNekcihc (9:38:17 PM): and no sex on the couch
AlegnaNekcihc (9:38:18 PM): right?
badkiwi no jutsu (9:38:29 PM): Weeeelll I guess we can make allowances for you.
badkiwi no jutsu (9:38:43 PM): Seeing as I've totally violated that rule a million times over.
AlegnaNekcihc (9:38:50 PM): whooo
AlegnaNekcihc (9:39:02 PM): i get things from your experiences
badkiwi no jutsu (9:39:05 PM): xD
AlegnaNekcihc (9:39:12 PM): that almost sounded wrong

It's almost sad how many moodswings I've had in the past three days.

Shaken. Not stirred.

Dance. That was eventful. It started out well. I went as a pirare wench. Speedy met June and I there. There was much dancing. I left black lipstick on the cheeks of many. I think about a half hour before the dance ended the ambulence and paramedics came. I feel guilty. I gave him the soda and made him overly hyper. I was the one who wanted to dance to 'Shout'. I got him too worked up. Something happened. He got dizzy, he fell over himself or something like that. He fell backwards and hit his head. It all happened so fast, yet everything was so slow. I pulled him close to me on the gym floor. June and I had to almost carry him to the commons, he couldn't walk on his own power. I think he was still dizzy. We sat him down at the tables and gave him some water. Bari came over and some other administration. Bari let us outside to get some fresh air. I know it was cold out. I had left most of my layers in the check out. The cold was not why I couldn't stop shaking. I didn't want to touch him, I didn't want to hurt him. Bari called the paramedics and within seconds you could hear the sirans. I eventually tried to hold his hand, let him know I was still there. He wouldn't look up, it didn't matter, I couldn't look him in the eye anyhow. I couldn't get up the words to say it was okay to squeeze my hand as hard as he wanted, but he seemed to know it anyways. Every few seconds he'd squeeze my hand as he winced in pain. I tried to not let my shaking get to my hand. I tried not to cry, and when that wasn't possible, I tried to not cry loud. I tried to not sniffle. They asked him questions and he spoke quietly. They asked me questions to, I couldn't bring myself to talk at normal level. My voice was shakey. They brought the grittie. People were watching from the commons windows. They suggested taking him to the hospital. I suddenly started crying harder. Speedy knew it. He squeezed my hand, not out of pain, but because he knew I was crying. June watched quietly, she laughed at the paramedics jokes when they decided not to take him to the hospital. He told them he didn't pass out. I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not. I know he was scared too. Speedy signed the papers as they tried to get ahold of parents. Speedy's family doesn't have phones. They got ahold of his grandma. Speedy pulled me closer so I'd sit next to him. I still couldn't bring myself to look at him. I was shaking badly and he was trying to calm me down. I guess he was doing better by then and just worrying about me. He asked me what was wrong. All I could get out was, "You scared the hell out of me." He kept saying he was sorry. He didn't mean to. "Look at me. Angie? Look at me. Please?.... Angie, please. It's okay.. I'm okay.. It just stings a little. Angie? Please look at me?... It's okay... Angie, calm down. Stop shaking. Angie... calm... calm.. It's okay.. I'm still here, aren't I? I'll be here tomorrow too.. I didn't die or anything.. Angie?" That last part. 'I didn't die or anything' made me cry harder. I couldn't look at him. Every time he tried to move my head I got fridgid. Everytime he tilted my head I shut my eyes tightly. His mom arrived, his grandma and his sister. I had to borrow his sister's phone to call my mom. She didn't sound happy that I was calling a half hour after the dance was over. Cassie was sent to pick June and I up. I got up slowly, still not looking at him. He hugged me and I was forced to look at him when he put his forehead to mine. I walked off slowly, arms at my sides, dragging my boots, reliving the whole experience over and over. Am I okay? I don't know. I can't get this out of my head. What would have happened if they wanted him to go to the hospital? Would my mom let me go? What would happen? I don't even know how he's doing now.. I hope he's going to be okay.. There's the story for the dance. I still can't totally stop shaking.

I wrote that last night but blooger wouldnt let me post.
I saw Speedy today. We had been planning to go to Elitches today, but because of his head we went to the mall and to see a movie instead. His head still hurts, he still squeezes my hand when it hurts, and when the Grudge 2 freaked him out. Maybe he'll be okay by tomorrow.

Jealous? Of me?

People are weird sometimes. Scratch that. All of the time. Sometimes it just easier to ignore. So drama drama and more drama. If you don't want to know about it, skip this.
So. My friend Danny liked me and one of my friends named Chelsea. (It already doesn't look like itll turn out good by then) He asked Chelsea out. They went out for not more than a couple hours I think for the first time, because I had gotten upset over it. They tried again, broke up again because Chelsea claimed she still loved her old boyfriend, Gabe. (This stuff is from a couple weeks ago mind you) They ended up getting back together. I was fine, I apologized for over re-acting. All was fine and dandy until a couple days ago. Chelsea sent her old boyfriend, Gabe, some pictures of herself in a bra. Over myspace comments. Which Danny saw, got mad about, and from my understanding, Chelsea claimed it was nothing. Which was obviously crap. Under the picture she wrote something like 'Only for you Gabe'. So Danny's like spazing out and I'm comforting him. Well the other day I find out that they broke up again. The reason why? She cheated. With Gabe. They either almost had sex, or did have sex, it was vague. Her reasoning? She just couldn't say no. She's afriad of rape, but she just couldn't say no. Then she says that she loves Danny, and she plans on marrying him, but she chose to cheat. I got so ticked off, and I yelled at her. I stood up for Danny and how she hurt him. Which Danny told me not to do, but I did anyways. I was very angry. So Chelsea was okay with it at first. She was like 'well I understand if you dont want to be my friend'. But when I kept yelling at her after she said 'tell me something I didn't know' she suddenly changes what she was saying and starts saying stuff like 'I know i have issues but friends are suppose to stick with friends through issues.' And really, I would, if she didn't cause so much drama. It's almost like she does it on purpose. Well she knows Dannys AIM password. And she blocked me. Danny unblocked me later. He said she might have blocked me because she's jealous. Of what? There's nothing about me to be jealous of. He said she might be jealous of the fact that he still likes me. He said he still does, and he won't stop.

Fuck this game.

Fuck this game.
Fuck the drama.
Fuck the hate.
Fuck the cheating.
Fuck the lying.
Fuck love.
Fuck pretend friends.
Fuck aquaitences.
Fuck the world.
Fuck depression.
Fuck suicide.
Fuck life.
Fuck death.
Fuck carving.
Fuck cutting.
Fuck ODing.
Fuck drama queens.
Fuck attention whores.
FUCK THIS GAME.

Angie's what?

So, it's not totally my fault that I haven't been posting. Last night when I got home from trick-or-treat street I was going to post. But no. It wouldn't lemme sign on. BUT! I have several things to talk about. All of which will go in list form.:

So that random 'today in important' post, was the day I got kissed by Speedy a.k.a. Victor.
Sunday October 22nd, Speedy asked me out.
Angie what?
Angie accepted.
Angie's gotta a what?
Angie's gotta boyfriend.
And Angie's been spaztically happy. I had totally forgotten what it was like to have someone who goes out of their way to see me.
Mom's paranoid though. She doesn't want me as depressed as I was when Trevor dumped me. And with Speedy being a senior while I'm a small sophmore, she's even more paranoid. I'm starting to think she doesn't trust me though. I think she's convinced we're going to end up banging within the first month or something. She doesn't want us in my room (WITH THE DOOR OPEN MIND YOU!) unless were actively doing something. Today we were playing DDR until his mom called. We stopped, I was comfy and refused to get up. My mom demanded we went into the living room or the basement. Which doesn't make much since. We get more privacy in the basement than in my room. But she's paranoid when I got to Jacqi's house too.
Last night was trick-or-treat street at school. I saw Victor (Fuji's little brother, not Speedy) and he gave me hugs. I saw Cripple Kid, Betty, and tons of cute little kids. I ended up crying though. I got a headache, and PMSing got the best of me. Caitlin and I went on a burrito run when she found out I hadn't eatten all day. When I got home I gave June the guest pass for the Halloween Dance, and about passed out.
Last night it snowed. Ewww... On the way to school my mom and I almost got into 2 accidents, one with an RTD bus. She ended up dropping me off on the side of the street and let me walk the rest of the way. When I got to the front doors I was COVERED in snow. Allison gave me a hug when I got inside, then said, 'Ugh! You're cold and wet! Never hug me again!' Oh. By the way, Allison is the one who has being using me as a pillow. Anyways, when I was dry again she hugged me again. And grabbed my boobs.
I caught a moth this morning. In the commons. I pounced on it, then we went outside to let it go. It disappeared into the snow instantly. Then we went back inside cause it was cold.
Kelsey tickled me. I kicked and squirmed. My shoe fell off, Kelsey grabbed it and I chased her around the school.
Speedy came over after school. I think that he got in trouble for it. After his mom called he got upset and started muttering stuff to himself. I couldn't understand much. All I really caught was "My dad's going to yell at me. I know exactly what he's going to say. *Stuff I couldn't understand* He says 'Oh but she can wait.' And I know she can wait, but I- But I tell him that I don't want to make her wait. *More stuff I couldn't understand* I know- I know what he's going to suggest too. I can't do that. I just can't- *Stuff I couldnt understand*" He noticed that I was still there right about then. I'm guessing the 'she' is me. But I still don't get what it means. I don't think its good either. I'm not even sure what to worry about. All I could really think of is that maybe his dad would demand that Speedy stop seeing me. That would be sad.
Now I'm eatting Chinese and a Hamburger. Yay!
I guess that's all thats major.
Baii ^_^

Zombies ate my neighbors.

This is the best song ever.

So hey man, check this out, downtown's a riot and something's spreadin through the crowd. Try channel 9, I'm pretty sure they're headed straight for this part of town. I can't be certain, but I swear I hear them just outside. There's no way that this is real, so COUNT ME IN. So grab something sharp, find some cover, kill the lights and nail the back door shut. This isn't funny any more, oh no, THIS MEANS WAR. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd much rather choke and die than sit alone and fall without a fight. So call the neighbor kids with trash can lids and buckets on their heads. Cause I'm telling you, we're gonna need a little help tonight... And there she was, glaring, through olive eyes and chalk white skin. I want you to know that I won't be holding back tonight. She stole my heart. I'll be taking hers with a lawn dart now. But look at the bright side, it's not like she had one there to start... And something tells me, it's gonna be a long night... So grab something sharp, find some cover, kill the lights and nail the back door shut. This isn't funny any more, oh no, THIS MEANS WAR. And something tells me, it's gonna be a long night... So call the neighbor kids with trash can lids and buckets on their heads. Cause I'm telling you, we're gonna need a little help tonight...

It took me so long to find. It's by a local band called Single File. Hopefully I can go to the concert on December 1st.

Today is important.

*Squeels* ^___________________^

I'm not as funny as Jesus.

But I'm gonna steal this from him anyways:

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
I don't really want anyone to explode, i like people, id probably have to save that for when i have a boss i hate with a pure passion

2.You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?
I would wipe out rap, just because its one letter away from rape, and they rape my ears. I seriously cannot stand the popular rap these days. What sucks is that my mom and sister listen to it so much I know alot of the songs anyways, which makes it just that much easier for them to get stuck in my head.

3.Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
Nelly, the rapper. I hate his music that much.

4.What is your favorite cheese?
Brie.

5.You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?
I'd make.. a peanut and cherry jelly sandwich. You gotta love the classics.

6.You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Johnny Depp. He'd of course have to be in his pirate gear, cause I dont care for him much otherwise.

7.You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?
Davey Havok. Even some of my guy friends would bang him.

8. Now that you've slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?
I'd probaby spend it on CD's, or go on a shopping spree at Hottopic. Of course I'm not going to be generous and give it to charity.

9.You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
South Carolina, just so I can visit some friends. I heart them that much.

10.Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?
I'm gonna buy them all icecream. And gas money so they can show me stuff.

11.An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is...?
Well, according to my sister, coke and vanilla vodka tastes exactly like vanilla coke. So I'll go with that.

12.Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?
Rufus? As in the naked-mole rat on Kim Possible? Anyways. I'd go back about 5 mintes to remember what my super cool awsome answer for this question was.

13.You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
Art is consitered higher than football. Just because I suck at sports, and not as much suckage with art.

14.You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what's the premise?
Oh, well all I can think of is following my friends around with a camera, funny stuff happens when playing hackie sac.

15.What is your favorite curse word?
Fuck.

16.One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything; they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
First I would scream, and then I might have them play a board game with me. With tons of pictures because no one would believe I played Pimps and Hoes with mummies.

17.Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don't worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what's the item?
I would probably grab my laptop, even if it is about ready to bite the dust.

18.The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
Call all my friends and tell them I love them. I'm sappy like that.

19.You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?
The power to be invisible. Easy.

20.You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
The old Herd.

21.You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
Cutting.

22.You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit... you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin'! What country are you going to live in now?
New Zealand. I wish.

23.This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?
I don't know. I don't really know of any bars except for McCoys and Hooters. McCoys it is.

24.Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question.... If you did, then we'll just expand on that. Check it out... Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like "Dude, check it out...I can FLOAT!"?
Garret's house. Then I can finally reveal myself and be like 'HEY! I haven't seen you in 8 years! Lookie at me, I can float!'

25.The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
Mr Rodgers. I don't know why.

26.The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn't think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is still a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?
Murphy. My aunt's old dog. I loved him so much. Or Sharen.

27.What's your theme song?
Mutt by Blink 182

What are you? Belimic?

so stuff happened over the weekend, i went to see the larimie project, i helped set up the crafts fair, i went to elitches with my sister, my cousin and their friend, they hit on a kid in my photo class for me, but i dont like him, i figured thatd be suffeciantly awkward today in class, but it wasnt, he didnt say anything, i didnt say anything, all was normal
last night i went to the mall with laura, shes been pretty upset because she thinks that shes losing everyone, and dan and i seem to be the only ones who listen to her now
this morning i woke up, ate breakfast for the first time on a normal day in a long time, it didnt last long though, i ended up throwing it up, which was none too happy because mom forgot to give me money for lunch so i went foodless for the rest of the day, till photo, julianna gave me 7 cheeze-it crackers, which suprizingly made me not hungry anymore
onna side note
today is monikas birthday
tomorrow is ivys
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
although i doubt either of them will see this blog
now im waiting for ingrediants to make food for TAU tomorrow
i guess ill scan some stuff from my sketch book and make some drawings for french

This is the fun at Jacqi's house.

Weekend! O' doooooom.

Ups and Downs of weekend-ism.
Ups:
I spent most of the weekend with Jacqi and Caitlin.
I went to Fuji's house along with Missy and Erin.
I met Layn and Jessica.
Got tons of hugs, kisses, bites, and tackles.
Caitlin and Jacqi played with my hair.
Stayed up late talking to Danny.
Called Liz.
Spent about 75% of the weekend away from my paranoid mother.

Downs:
I didn't get to visit Laura at work.
I had to go home.
I didn't get to spend the night at Caitlin or Jacqi's house.
My mom has not been happy with me.
My mom keeps acusing me of being on drugs.
Homework.
Cleaning my room.
I'm sore.
I didn't get much sleep.
Met Zack.
Internet's been screwy.
Parent-Teacher confrences.
Mom crying.

I'm also withdrawing hugs from my mother until she stops accusing me of being on drugs. Not sure if that'll help or anything, but I'm pretty mad at her for assuming on on drugs. I can't help if my eyes seem to be dilated a lot, but I am certinally not on drugs.

Where are your pants, son?

That was my favorite quote from 'To kill a mockingbird'

Two things I'd like to talk about in this blog. First the unhappy information. I learned this week that last year my family was almost homeless, and I was reminded yesterday of something also depressing, yet always overlooked. I was talking to my parents about my friend who peirced her own eyebrow and nose at lunch. And my mom told me never to do that because I might die. Because of my heart surgery. (For those of you who dont know, I had open heart surgery when I was four years old, I was born with a hole in my heart the size of a quarter. I still have the scar that goes from my collar bone til about four inches above my bellybutton, plus the scars from stitches.) Anyways, because of that, any open wound, infection, or any of that, that I get is, in the words of my mom, "Like playing Russian Roulette". That kinda bothers me, sure I promise to be careful, but really, I'm not all that careful.

Next!

This is what I get for watching Gilmore Girls before bed. I had some of the weirdest dreams last night. For some reason I was lesbian lovers with the Gilmore Girls, and I was showering with them. Then there was a hurricane that lasted like 4 seconds, just to blow down the door and the rest of the house, all but the bathroom. So I walked outside naked, and Danny was talking to some other people, which consisted of the people I just showered with, and some other girl. I went inside to get dressed, but I couldn't find any pants. Through the open door I heard Danny ask some girl to marry him. My mom walked in and asked why I was crying and I said, "I can't find any pants!" Then I woke up. That's the only dream I can remember right now though. Imma eat breakfast now, and finish getting ready for school.

So what's up?

simple question, 'whats up?', ive been answering all such questions as 'how are you' 'hows it going' 'whats up' etc as 'i dont know' for the past week or so, when i said it to jared we got into this big conversation of how i should know whats up, because before i know it, itll be down, and he spent about 10 minutes talking about how its too much of a downer not knowing whats up, then after the converstion ended he asked me again what was up, and i said things, he said i was doing better
after school i ran into jared and ben on the way to picking up my grades (which by the way, im passing all my classes, two a's one p, and four c's) anyways, ben asked how i was, i said i didnt know and jared said that wasnt good because before i know it everything will be down, and i dont want things to be down, then we got on how 'whats up' is commonly used instead of 'hey', as in people say it to you then walk off without listening to what answer you possibly have, and in the words of ben "they might as well saying 'fuck you' or 'go jump off a cliff', although i think id be more happy if someone said that than walking off while im trying to talk" or something to that same effect, i happen to not have a tape recorder in my head, sadly

Chemical hands!

oh how did i miss the smell of chamicals on my hands, now i think its in my clothes too, because no matter where i go, i smell like photography, atleast to me i do, maybe im going crazy, wouldnt be the first time
have you ever had those days where your hair just looks different, yet you didnt do anything to it? mines been like that for the past two days, i guess i let it dry weird when i got out of the shower or something
last night when my sister came come i was really hyper and i ran to hug her, its always fun to freak people out with something so simple as a hug
also because of the new rules of not being in the halls during class periods, some of my friends are pretty ticked off about losing the cubby, course i wasnt too attached to the cubby since every time i was there i felt outcasted, but its still pretty sad
and if i dont stop smelling these chemicals i dont think im going to be able to eat
in totally different news, for some reason right now i feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like im happy but i have no one to spread joy to, it almost upsets me
sometime soon i will get a picture of my awsome pants which i have doodled on in the past couple days... mostly on my left leg... im not sure why, probably because of the way the desks are set up
oh well
i think imma go scan some pictures ^_^